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She cocked her head, her brows crossed in confusion and her eyes full of questions. “Not ready? What do you mean?”
He drew in a long breath. The pent-up desire between them heavy in the air. “Like I said before, you are the first woman I’ve wanted to sleep with—make love to—since Kimmie died. And I don’t want to rush it.”
Her mouth opened and shut a couple of times, his explanation clearly not helping her understand why he’d pulled back. “Is it the HIV?”
“No,” he said flatly, tamping down any irritation that she would ask. Of course she would ask. She was probably used to that being a reason for a physical relationship to grind to a halt. “I want you so much that it’s all I can think about at night.”
Her hands popped out of his jeans like something in his pants had bitten them. “I still don’t understand.”
His erection poked out of the fly of his underwear and his pants like a comic joke. A hello without a reply. All his fault, of course. “I want to make love to you. Have sex. Sleep with. Fuck. All the variations. But I want to enjoy the buildup, too.”
“We can go back to making out after we have sex. No one says we can’t.” Her face was screwed up, not just with confusion but with sexual frustration, as well.
He lifted an eyebrow.
“Okay. Some couples don’t,” she amended. “But...” Her top teeth grazed her bottom lip. Finally, she puffed out an unfulfilled sigh. “I wouldn’t want to be pressured, and so I shouldn’t pressure you.”
The but was left unsaid, though Levi still heard it.
“It’s nice to be wanted,” he said, holding the words out as an offering, even though they both knew it was a poor one.
“I guess,” she said. “No, that was rude. It is nice to be wanted. I’m frustrated and horny, and I feel a bit rejected, even though I don’t think you mean to reject me. But you want me, and that’s better than the alternative.”
Not knowing what else to say, Levi kept his mouth shut.
“You’re ready to move on after Kimmie’s death, right? I don’t want to get my hopes up, if you’ll never be able to love again.”
He flinched, but it was a fair question. Worry crept into Mina’s eyes as he didn’t answer right away, and the temptation to give her the answer she wanted pulled at his tongue, but he didn’t give in. If this was going to be something special—and he hoped it would be—then he had to give her answers, and he had to give her true answers.
Finally, he opened his mouth, and her shoulders instantly relaxed, even though the concern didn’t leave her eyes. Apparently any answer was better than the unknown.
“Yes. I can’t pretend that I’m not scared. Like I said before, Kimmie’s death was hard, and I’m scared to go through something like that again. But I would feel that way no matter who I was with.” He sighed through the painful and wonderful memories flooding the space behind his eyes.
“But I loved my wife, and, even knowing how it ended, I wouldn’t trade the years we had together for anything. If all I learned from that is not to get into another relationship, then I didn’t learn anything. And I failed everything that Kimmie meant to me and that I meant to her.”
“That answer was beautiful, but it didn’t answer my question. You want to be ready for another relationship. But are you?”
“Yes,” he said, leaning into the word so that the force of his body, mind and soul came out in the three letters. So that she would know and understand and believe. “I just need some more time. Especially before we have sex.”
She nodded, slowly, though he wasn’t sure she actually understood. He didn’t understand, either. He just knew that he wanted to have sex with her now and forever. But not now, and the distinction made him crazy.
“Okay. I believe you, but I need to think about this a little. And I can’t think about it with you here.”
“I understand. Don’t...” He paused, but the only way out of the discomfort he’d caused was to get through it. “Don’t think too long, please.”
“I won’t. I’ll text you in the morning.”
