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“Why haven’t you said anything?”
There had been so many moments when she should have said something. As the pile of papers to grade and the number of panels she needed to draw had gotten bigger and bigger, and yet she’d still gone over to his house to watch football. “Because I want to spend time with you. And I know the right decision for us is to take a break, so that I can get caught up.”
A small wrinkle appeared between his eyebrows as he considered what she’d said. “Did you think I’d be upset?”
She shook her head. “No.” She worried that he’d be exactly the opposite. That he’d be understanding and sympathetic. That the time they spent apart would be easy, so easy that he would notice how much better it was.
The very worst of it was thinking these things and knowing how ridiculous they were, but acting on them anyway. Because what if she made the wrong decision? What if she kept going on her current path without stopping to think about it? She’d done that before, many times, and had messed everything up.
“Yes,” she said, because that was closer to the truth. “Not that I thought you’d be angry, but that I thought you’d feel pity for me and try to take care of me.”
“Is that so wrong?” The wrinkle in his forehead got in line behind a million other things she didn’t understand. Was he upset? Confused?
“I don’t want to be the sick girl you’re dating.” She tossed her hands up in her own mix of upset confusion. “I want to be the woman you’re dating.”
“What makes you think I see you as a ‘sick girl’?” Obvious confusion dragged out the sentence, which was understandable, because she’d confused herself.
“I just...” She didn’t know how to finish that sentence. “I didn’t want to disappoint you.”
His eyes closed for the briefest second. The side of his jaw twitched.
“I’ve disappointed you,” she said.
If she hadn’t studied him so closely for the past several months, she might have missed his barely-perceptible nod. “I think you disappointed yourself,” he said.
She sucked in her breath. “That was patronizing.” She was a grown woman, and despite their ten-year age difference, she didn’t need to be told when she’d disappointed herself.
Her indignation escaped from her lungs in a loud, long puff of air. The truth was she was disappointed in herself. She’d gotten caught up in her fears and what she thought was important for someone else, forgetting what was important for her and for her own body.
“How angry are you?”
He sighed and it was worse than a yell. “I’m not angry. I’m...”
Great—she’d caught Levi at a loss for words. She was used to him not talking, but usually that was because she was the one talking, or because he didn’t have anything to say, not because he didn’t know what to say.
“I’ve had three people who I care about in my life have health problems. I’m sure I’ll have health problems in the future, and someone, hopefully you, will be a part of my life and help me figure out what I need to do to take care of myself. And I hope I will trust you more than you trust me.”
His accusation stung hard enough that she had to lean away. “What do you mean trust you? How does me not sharing this information mean I didn’t trust you? Maybe it just means that I wanted to keep my own health information private. Because it’s my health information.”
From his slight flinch, it was her turn to have insulted him. “I thought we were at a place in our relationship where we shared important things with one another.”
She sighed. “We are. I have no good excuse for not telling you why I was feeling so tired. Worse, I have no excuse for not facing up to the information myself. Anemia is easy for me to fix. I can eat a steak and some spinach and take iron pills. It’s not even anything I need to go to the doctor for. It’s happened enough to me that I can treat myself, and if it doesn’t go away, then I can go to the doctor.”
Knowing that she’d been stupid, and that she’d hurt someone she cared about and potentially jeopardized a relationship, didn’t make facing this any easier.
