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He tried to catch her back, take her into his arms again. “Gulnar…”
She disentangled herself and rolled off the mattress. “No, Dante. Don’t say anything. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s none of your business what I feel.”
He sat up, barked in incredulity. “None of my business!”
“No, it isn’t. We have a deal and I’m honoring it. Remember when you told me you’d work with me, that you’d handle your desire if I didn’t want an affair, that it would be your problem and not mine? Well, same thing here. Let’s just forget it.”
He was silent for a long moment. She tried to busy herself with anything, putting on her shirt, folding up their strewn clothes, removing the mess of their last hasty meal. His arms suddenly took her from the back and she jumped. She hadn’t felt him move. Her body felt swollen, uncoordinated, torn between wanting to lean into him, to take all she could before the end that she could now taste came, and wanting to bolt, so ashamed of betraying herself, of compromising him.
He buried his face in her neck, in her hair, his voice dark, ragged. “Tell me you didn’t mean it, amore. Tell me it was just something you said in the throes of satisfaction.”
Suddenly she was angry. She tore at his arms and turned on him. “Why? So you’d feel better? I told you it has nothing to do with you. I shouldn’t have told you, I’m so sorry I have, but I’m not going to lie now and say it isn’t real. I know I’m not entitled to anything, but I’m entitled to my emotions.” She thumped her chest, hard, to knock back the heart that was struggling to erupt from her chest.
Then she was suddenly scared. She needed more time with him. She had to reassure him, convince him that nothing would change. “I won’t impose my emotions on you in any way, Dante, believe me. I’ve loved you from our first day, but did I burden you with my emotions? I’m sure I didn’t. I have no expectations, Dante. None. We’ll go on as before, I’ll continue to be your lov—y-your…your sex partner and when you decide to leave I will still lie in bed and I won’t say a word to ask you to stay.”
“You wanted to ask me to stay then…?”
“Yes! But I didn’t, and I won’t. You’re free, Dante. No strings. It is my pledge, too.”
He stood there before her, naked and precious, the substance of her soul and her despair. His hoarse groan was the very sound of desperation too. “But I don’t want you to love me!”
She’d known that. But hearing him say it, and this way…Her own anguish bled out of her, black and wet and corroding. “What is this? What’s with you? What are you afraid of? That I’ll pursue you or make demands or scandals? I don’t even know where you come from. I don’t know if this is even your real name, and I don’t want to know. I don’t want anything. I have no use for anything. I will live here and I will die here and you won’t hear from me or see me again after you leave. I wanted the remaining time with you, but if you find the idea of me as a person with emotions, and not just your temporary nymphomaniac, so disturbing, so repulsive, then I’ll leave. Right now.”
She could no longer see anything through the tears. But she could hear. Nothing. No answer. No telling her she was wrong, or to stay, for now, to continue their two months. Oh, hell. He probably thought worse of her than anything she’d ever tortured herself with. Blind, she turned to gather her meager belongings, stumbled and fell flat on her face on the ground.
“Gulnar!” His shout broke over her, his hands snatched her up.
She struggled with all her strength, knocked his hands off her. “You don’t want me to love you, fine! I hate you! Are you satisfied? I hate you because in a minute, with just one look, with one sentence you degraded me, made me feel more worthless—dirtier than even those who killed my folks and kept me alive to play with.” A hysterical cackle ripped out of her at his panting, horror-struck expression. “Don’t worry, Dr. Guerriero, I’m clean, if you’re thinking in belated horror about all the unprotected sex we had. I’m also using birth control. You won’t one day find a baby being pushed on you in your private clinic back in the States, a memento of your time here.”
Something erupted from him. It wasn’t a sound. Just a terrible, devastating shock wave. It drove her to her knees. She rummaged after the articles she’d dropped, her hands useless. She was openly weeping now. “I know my place—my worth. I know m-my use. And I know I’ve…outlived it. I just hope you had some…fun. You’ll have…no trouble finding a replacement for…the remainder of the two months. Women like me—desperate bodies to slake your lust in—are a dime a dozen in refugee camps. I wouldn’t pick Helena, though. I think this is one…for fatal attraction scenarios.”
Something huge and heavy landed just inches from her body. She wiped her eyes in fright and saw him. He’d fallen to his knees before her. And his face! Distorted beyond recognition, and—Oh, God, he was weeping, too!
All her agony was thrust aside, making way for his. She surged up, threw her arms around him, contained him in a quaking embrace. “Dante, no, don’t—don’t, darling. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just a self-pitying fool and I didn’t mean it. I’ll never, never, never hate you. I’ll love you till my last breath but I’ll leave you alone, I won’t give you any trouble. And don’t feel bad about me, darling. You’ll forget me soon, so just forget me now…”
He roared, harsh sobs shaking him and her around him. “Stop, stop, stop! Stop it, Gulnar, stop it. Oh, God, what did I do to make you feel this way? That’s how you think I think? That my mind and soul are infested with all this ugliness? This narcissism and cruelty and exploitation?”
Her arms squeezed him tighter, pressing his face into her bosom, quailing. “No, no. It’s me, it was my scars, my hang-ups talking, darling. I know you’re the most noble human being, the most self-sacrificing. I didn’t know someone like you could exist. It isn’t your fault that you don’t love me and I am not fit to love you. You deserve someone whole and healthy in mind and psyche, and I’m—”
“Shut up, Gulnar,” he thundered. “Shut up! Are you totally insane? This is how you think of yourself? Can’t you see what you are? You’re everything that’s worthwhile. Everything that’s right and pure and human. Nothing is enough to do you justice. You’re all that matters. You think I don’t want you to love me—for me? I can’t let you love me, for you. So you won’t be hurt when I am no longer there…”
She smoothed her hands down his cheeks, every tear she wiped away scorching away her skin, abrading one more layer off her shredded heart. “But I can’t stop loving you. I thought I loved Evraim. I thought when he died that I couldn’t risk loving again. But it took loving you to show me I knew nothing about love, that I can and will love, no matter what the risk. I will love you as long as I live because you’re why I’m alive. I accept that you’ll go, I won’t ask for anything…”
“You will have everything I have to give. You already do. I just can’t give you me. That is why I want you to stop, take back the heart you gave me, protect it.”
“I don’t understand. I told you I accept you’ll leave—”
“I won’t leave. I’ll die!”
Dante watched the effect of his words slashing across Gulnar’s face and wished he’d never met her. Never loved her. She’d conquered war, she’d survived displacement and abuse, she’d outlived all her loved ones. Until he’d loved her. And destroyed her.
Her tears were now a steady stream. Were they changing color? Would they become the blood streaming out of his heart? He growled at the morbid thoughts, tried to disentangle himself from her clutching arms. This time they fell away, nerveless, powerless.
The sound that came out of her wasn’t her voice. “What do you mean, you’ll die?”
May as well tell her. She’d suffer for a while, then hope would die and she’d regain her will to live, separate from him. “I have cancer. Testicular. Third stage.”
Her tears turned off. His did, too. This moment went beyond tears.
