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“As long as it takes. Look, Lucas has been working nonstop for a very long time. He might’ve lost touch with himself. It often happens when creatives burn out. He’s reached stardom, he’s probably afraid right now that he’s got nowhere to go but down.
“He’s never told me that.” But that isn’t totally true. I just figured he had outgrown his fears the further he got in his career because he never spoke of them again. If there’s merit to what she’s saying, I couldn’t be more wrong. Swallowing my pride, I table my anger and look over at her. “I’m listening.”
“Mila, I love you. I’m talking to you from a place of love, I don’t need to be right, I need you to know that. But you need to get over yourself a little. As tightly knit as you two are, sometimes our deepest fears don’t get voiced to the ones we’re closest to, especially when we’re the most afraid. While I don’t doubt you two rely on each other, maybe his problem stems from more than just Blake’s death. Listen to me, dear daughter. He needs you now. It’s crucial that you are there for him. A few bad years in a marriage is a reason to leave, a few bad months in a good marriage is a reason to stay. Seems to me he’s got a bit more than a death to deal with going on.”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe the question isn’t why is he acting as Blake, but why doesn’t he want to be Lucas? From what I’m gathering, Blake’s death has taken a toll in more ways than one and landed him right smack in the middle of an existential crisis.”
I roll my eyes. “You’ve been married to a psychiatrist too long.”
“What if I’m right? Do you have any idea how many patients your father treats for this very thing?”
“We were happy.”
“Yes, as a couple but you and I both know there’s more to life than that. Lucas isn’t just your husband or an actor. He’s probably finally looking up and realizing where he is in the map of his life, and he might not like it. Seems like he’s lost touch with himself through this career he’s starved for.”
“He’s never told me that.”
“Because he probably wasn’t in that frame of mind before Blake’s death. Death changes people, Mila. It can make you question everything. He’s probably terrified.”
“Afraid of what?”
“Of where he is.”
“Why?”
“We get told our whole lives that these things A, B, and C are what we need to make ourselves happy but obtaining them and seeing them for what they are can be utterly terrifying. One of the things your father told me is that most parents have no idea how to deal with overachieving children when they reach this point because the parents themselves cannot relate. They’re still working toward their own goals, and some never get to the place Lucas is. That’s the crux of the crisis.”
It makes so much sense, it’s scary. And I hate the fact that my mother may have more insight than I do on my own husband.
If anything, the past three months have shown me I’m not the expert I thought I was and that hurt breaks the rest of my heart.
“What do I do?”
“You can’t do anything but wait, show your support, be there for him.”
“I’m so pissed off, Mom. So fucking angry he locked me out and didn’t share any of it with me. He broke promises.”
She harrumphs. “Show me a perfect man, and I’ll prove you a liar.”
“Dammit. Why did I have to marry an actor!”
“You married a man. A human man. You study the beauty and rarely notice the cracks, it’s easy to with a man as captivating as Lucas. He’ll point them out to you when he’s ready. And you could be the next one to weigh life out. And when that happens, you’ll need him.”
“I can’t forget this, Mom. I can’t forget how he shut me out.”
“But can you love him the same?”
“I love him more than I ever have.”
“That’s marriage. On the other side of this is a different future for Lucas and I’m happy for him. Some go through never questioning any part of their existence. I’ve never thought much of Lucas as far as being your equal, but he may just start giving you a run for your money. He’s showing you that what you’ve known isn’t all that he is. It’s kind of exciting.”
“And what if what he figures out doesn’t include me?”
“You grow together or apart, and both of you decide at any point in time.”
“That’s terrifying.”
