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The four of us spent a quiet New Year’s Eve at my abandoned house popping champagne and decided to spend the day with Deidra and Max. Laney insisted we barbecue in the freezing temperatures and no one thought to argue. The only argument that ensued was when Chase and I offered to grill, and were read the riot act from the two women currently fighting over it.
“They are something,” Chase remarks fondly as they bicker back and forth. “Word of advice. Just go with it.”
“When?”
“Every day. Every. Single. Day.”
“Stop it!” Laney shrieks swatting at Devin’s hands.
“They’re currently on the same menstrual cycle,” Chase says. “Please don’t ask me how I know that. And if you don’t want me privy to something, don’t share it with Laney.”
“It’s like that, huh?” I say, watching them go at it.
“So very like that. They don’t keep shit from each other. And they can rag on each other all damn day, but if you go after either one of them alone, they’ll attack like a pack of piranhas.”
“Hey Theo, have you found Laney’s pause button?” Devin calls to me where I sit on the porch.
Laney whips her head around with a “don’t you dare!” just as Devin’s arm shoots out and she presses her fingers into the indent at Laney’s collar.
Laney immediately shuts down, dropping the tongs, her entire body jerking before she goes limp while something like a snort comes out of her.
Devin grins wickedly. “Emergency shut down button. She’s so ticklish when you press here that she can’t fight you, but you have to press hard, see?” Devin explains as Laney speaks like the Tin Man with rusty lips.
“I’b gonna kib you!”
Devin wiggles her fingers digging them in and Laney explodes in laughter.
“See, you take it away, and you get a two-second delay before she can move again,” Devin demonstrates, pulling her fingers away briefly right before she paralyzes her again. “I figure this will come in handy for you one day.”
Laney is drooling a little at this point, spittle coming from her lips. “St-t-t-hap!”
Devin does it once more as tears pour down Laney’s tomato-colored face when the screen door again slaps closed behind me.
“Devin, she’s going to kill you,” Deidra says through a laugh.
“She’ll have to catch me first,” Devin pulls her fingers away barely dodging Laney’s first swing before she darts away with Laney charging after her.
Chase and I are hysterical as we watch the two of them run down the drive like twin female Forrest Gumps.
“You bitch! You swore you wouldn’t ever tell anybody!” Laney shrieks, digging into the gravel in her boots making good time.
“Language, Elaine!” Deidra scolds.
“You’re going to die, clown!” Laney declares doing an impressive leap through the trees before they disappear out of sight.
Deidra sighs. “They make me so proud. Tomboys, both of them. It’s a miracle they survived this long. Come on, boys, I’ll make your first plate.”
“First plate?” I look to Chase for guidance.
“Go with it,” he mouths before following Deidra inside. I drain the rest of my beer and hear a loud screech in the distance before all goes silent.
Laney and Devin join us a few minutes later, their hair dotted with leaves, their cheeks red from the bite of the cold, matching smiles on their faces and a fresh plate of mildly charred barbecue in their hands.
The table is full to the brim with every imaginable southern dish.
Laney hands me an empty plate before dumping a spoonful of collard greens on it. I try not to cringe. “Okay, Houseman, you ever heard of this New Year’s Day tradition?”
I glance at the spoon skeptically.
