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He toes the loose board on my porch. “I got my letter today. An official invite to the draft.”
“That’s incredible,” I sniff, the sight of him so close and so distant my undoing. I miss him in a way I never imagined possible. Every day is a struggle. Even with his threats, I can’t bring myself to stay angry at him.
“So, I threw a little party at the house.”
“Well,” I swallow. “You have every reason to celebrate.”
“Do I?”
“Of course, it’s all you’ve been working for.”
“I must look so fucking pathetic to you.”
I shake my head. “Not at all. It wasn’t that long ago I was doing the same thing. You’re just trying to have a good time, get the most out of your year.”
“And what a year it’s been.” He looks over at me, his eyes glistening. “A banner fucking year for Troy Jenner.”
“Parker said she heard a commotion a while ago. Did something happen?”
“Yeah, what always happens. I fucked up.”
“How?”
“I thought I saw something in someone else, just for once, I thought, maybe if I could convince her I wasn’t the man you see…” I feel the stab of his admission everywhere.
Her. There’s a her.
“I wanted it to happen because it would mean I could stop thinking about you for five goddamn minutes.”
“Troy, I can’t hear this. Okay? I can’t. I took the keys. I will never keep you from your son. I don’t ever want him to be without you. I’ve given you what you’ve asked for, but I can’t hear this.”
“I watched him kiss you,” he grits out. “There’s a whole lot I can handle, but that’s not it.”
“What you saw was a lie. I did not kiss him back—”
“Do you hate me?” He asks, his eyes shining with regret.
“Do you hate me?” I rasp out, unable to keep the tears from falling.
He shakes his head, fisting his eyes. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I seem to be the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.”
“I don’t think that way at all.”
His voice is distant, he’s not hearing me. Every part of me is helplessly flailing with the knowledge I pushed him away to the point he’s entertaining the idea of other women.
“I keep coming back here because this is where I want to be. I don’t want to be anywhere else. But I’m not the man for you.”
“You’re the only man for me,” I sniffle again, ducking my head to catch his gaze. “You are the only man for me. I’m in love with you, Troy. I love you.”
His eyes search mine for endless seconds, and for the first time since our conversation started, I feel his need to believe me. My hopes fall away when his blue gaze drops to the porch between us.
“I tell you I hit on another woman, and you tell me you love me.” He shakes his head, his eyes incredulous. “Can’t you see how fucked up we are?”
“Messy. That’s what we are, but messy together makes us perfect. You said that. I guess you forgot that part.”
“I don’t want to.”
He rakes a hand through his hair as I study him. I’ve never
