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He looks up to me, puzzled. “Sure.”
I find Lance in the back of the barn working on the tractor. Approaching him cautiously, I set down a glass of tea next to where he’s dismantling a blade.
“Thought you could use something to drink.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m sorry.” He glances up at me from his workstation, his jeans, and Grand T-shirt covered in grease spots. “About taking your pants down.”
He grins, surprising me. “Nothing they haven’t seen before.”
“Still, I came in guns blazing. I should have texted you, but you would have told me not to come.”
He sighs. “You’re right, I would have.”
“Lance, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything in New York. My hesitation had nothing to do with the way I feel about you.”
“Harper, I hear you. Okay. I hear you. But it changes nothing.”
“But it does. I want to give you what you want.” I shake my head, knowing I screwed up with the way I just worded it.
He tosses his wrench down, and it clanks loudly in the box. “What I want?”
“That came out wrong. What we both want. Lance, you’re the only relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m not always going to do or say the right thing.”
He sighs. “We ended it twice. It’s not going to work between us, Harper.”
“You asked me to come. I want to be here.”
“I also begged you to give me any sign we might work out, and you kept that mouth of yours shut. But seeing you, being with you, it was… Those were the best two days I’ve had in years. But I’m in deep shit, Harper. And you aren’t the answer, no matter how much I want you to be. My fists are my way out. And you’re right, I had no business going to New York and disrupting your life like that. Make no mistake, I loved every minute I spent with you. But you aren’t the answer. You’re not. And I won’t ask you to be. Your career is back there. There’s no one to dance for here, but me. It’s wrong, even I can see it. I won’t ask you to sacrifice your first love for your second.”
Tears gather in my eyes. “Are you sure?”
“I have to be, for my sanity alone.”
“Is it that hard to love me?”
“I can’t keep you.”
Fighting the sting in my chest, I search for some common ground. “Let’s table us for now. Let me be your friend.”
“I’ve got enough of those.”
“Don’t shut me out. You’re in a bad place, Lance, it happens. Let me be here for you, for your family. I can handle it.”
“Think you can, huh?”
“I can handle anything for you, with you.”
He sighs, wiping his hands on a towel before pressing his fists against his workbench. “I told you I was done. Why aren’t you getting that?”
“You don’t mean it, you can’t, and I’m not leaving until you figure that out.”
“Suit yourself. The guest bedroom is down the hall from mine. Night.”
“Lance—”
“I’ve got shit to do.” He splays his hands in front of him, and I nod, defeated. I’ve had enough rounds for one day.
