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“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.”
“Don’t you already? Aren’t you the one who mapped my life up until now—my motives?”
Silence.
I gaze over at him as he adjusts himself on the pillow, his sculpted arm bulging as he does. I uncap the water on my nightstand with the image of Tobias, ten years younger, alone in a hotel room with naked lingerie models.
And in a sick, possessive way, it turns me on.
His eyes light in recognition as he dips his hand between my thighs, and I swat it away. A knowing chuckle leaves his lips, and my cheeks flame.
“Let’s just go to bed.” I again move to reach for the lamp, and he grips my wrist in a silent order. I meet his eyes and sigh.
“Fine. When I got here, I realized no one knew me. It was a chance to reinvent myself. So I decided to live it up and let myself go. Like you said, I was pissed at Roman for stealing a year of my life and feeling a bit rebellious. I gained my freedom as you so cleverly pointed out. When I met Sean, it was as if the universe had handed me an invitation. It was an instant attraction with him. We clicked both physically and spiritually, but Dominic hated me from the start.”
He looks up at me in silent urging—permission. I’m a fool for freely giving the devil more of my details.
“I trusted Sean because he took his time, he earned it from me, so when he said he recognized my attraction for Dominic and told me he wouldn’t judge me if I acted on it, I permitted myself. I trusted Sean enough with my body and heart to explore with him. I was already falling for him and had a hate/lust relationship with Dominic. After it happened, we just…grew into more. I got to know them both inside and out, and ne
ither one of them made me feel bad about it. We all just sort of fell into place, together.”
Tentatively, Tobias lifts his fingers to brush the damp hair away from my shoulders, the act so intimate. I shiver involuntarily, trying desperately not to get lost in the look in his eyes.
“I will say, it went against my nature, it bothered me a lot more than I let on—at first—but the more we grew, the more I couldn’t imagine…didn’t want to think about giving either of them up. And they didn’t force me to choose. We were all okay with it. In fact, we were happy, until they…”
Tears threaten, and in a flash, I’m back in that garage, living some of the most painful seconds of my life. Tobias grips my chin in his hands. “Until they what?”
“They called me a whore in a roundabout and very fucked up way. Have you ever heard the song “Cecilia” by Simon and Garfunkel?”
He shakes his head.
“Well, it’s about a promiscuous girl, and the lyrics are degrading. That’s how they ended it with me. They played that song when I showed up to the garage and humiliated me publicly, to try and get the message to you that they were playing me. So, they tore me to shreds in a way they knew would work. And it did. I got the message, even if you didn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever known pain like that, ever.”
“Je suis désolé .”
“In English, Tobias.”
“I’m sorry.”
I want to believe him. Everything in his expression, his posture tells me he’s sincere, but I can’t. He has to understand I can’t believe him.
I bite my lip and briefly contemplate coming clean with the rest.
He lifts the pad of my pointer finger to his lips and kisses it, in an attempt to tell me my secret is safe. I know the safer bet is to shut this down, but I continue anyway.
“Looking back now, I know some of the sexual stuff was me waging war on the wallflower I was before I got here. You were right. I played it safe. I rarely took chances. I colored in the lines. When my father told me he tried to love me, I think it cut much deeper than I could heal. I’m not saying I went out and purposefully sought to sabotage myself, but it sure as hell didn’t stop me from acting on impulse. I will not blame it on him, or my new-found freedom. I fell for them. Both of them. And the best part about it was that Sean and Dom refused to let me apologize for it. They refused to let me degrade myself. It was the safest I’ve ever felt with anyone because of the way they embraced me. I don’t regret it. I will never regret it. And I’m not ashamed of it. As for loving them, you know them. These are the people closest to you, right?”
“Oui.”
“So how could I not love them?”
We stare off until he gives me the faint dip of his chin. Refusing to look for or try to decipher any further reaction, I click the light back off and lay my head on my pillow facing away from him when he sounds up next to me.
“I will never speak of this to you again.” This time, I hide behind his native tongue. “Es-tu jaloux?” Are you jealous?”
“Non.” No.
I disregard the uncomfortable and unwelcome sting his quick answer gives. “I was honest with you.”
