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“Never,” Grant said with a slight grin.
“You are impossible!”
“No, I’m right and you know it. We’ll never really be ready. No one ever is.” He shrugged as he started to walk back to his truck, and it angered me to no end.
“Don’t walk away from me! I’m still talking to you!”
“Can we talk on the way back? I have a long shift.”
“No.”
“Fine,” I heard him grunt out as he turned to me, his hands behind him on the hood of his truck, his legs crossed at the ankle. He was irritated. It was the first time I’d seen him angry. I had to hide my smile because even angry and frustrating as hell, he was the most lovable man in the world.
“When you asked me to marry you, I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t want to, but, Grant...I can’t give a baby the attention it needs, not now.”
“I know.”
“So if you know, why are you pressuring me?!”
He crossed his arms and looked at the pond behind me. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh, well, there’s communication,” I snapped, walking towards him for an explanation.
“You have this great family.”
I understood immediately. He wanted his own. “They’re yours, too.”
“I want our family. That’s all I want. I can’t stop this need in me, Rose, and as soon as I found you it was all I could do to keep my mouth shut. I think my parents’ deaths changed me. I think as soon as I saw how mortal we really are, I wanted life then and there. And I know it’s unreasonable in a way but here we are, a month away from marrying. Your career is set and so is mine, and we’re building this amazing house.”
“What if I don’t want to become a mother right now?”
Grant studied me briefly before scrubbing his face with his hand. “Fuck, I’m sorry.” He walked over to his passenger door and opened it then looked at me with pleading eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s too much to ask. I just...fuck, I won’t ask this of you, not now.” I ignored the open door as I approached and searched his eyes, seeing the same sadness in them as I did the minute his father passed.
“I want everything you want, Grant. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have agreed to this life with you. But, you have to stop this race. We have all the time in the world and even if I were to get pregnant tomorrow, a baby couldn’t replace what you’ve lost. You are grieving and you think you need something to fill the void.”
He nodded as a single tear fell down his cheek. I went to him, wrapping my small frame around him as much as I could as he gripped the back of my shirt with his fists, burying his head in my neck. I didn’t have to tell him about the sudden panic racing through me that our fast love and shotgun wedding might have been a reaction to his father’s illness and death. I didn’t want to believe it for one second. Still, it paralyzed me even as I was consoling him. It was a selfish thought and I hated myself for it.
“I still feel the hole of his absence even when I’m with you, Rose. You aren’t a cure for any of that. I know what you’re thinking, and I want you to stop.”
“Maybe we should wait—”
“If you finish that sentence, I won’t forgive those words.” He looked up at me then, so raw, but so certain. I simply nodded as he leaned in. “This is not manufactured love.” He turned and sat in the passenger seat then pulled me to straddle his lap. We said nothing as we stared at each other for long minutes before his lips descended slowly onto mine. His kiss was deep, raw, filled with emotion and love. Just a certain as he was, I leaned into him, his strong arms caressing me, his fingers running through my hair as he soothed me right back. When he pulled away, our argument was over. Not because either of us won, but because we both wanted the same thing. We both knew eventually we would get it.
I would have everything I’d asked for and he would have the family he’d always wanted.
I threw the last of the feed in the pond and watched the ducks eat their fill. Could they feel his absence, too? Did they know that he was gone?
Grant had faced mortality head on, several times. He knew. I’d lost absolutely no one close to me in my life until him. Suddenly, the realization of why he’d wanted a family so much hit me harder. All he had was me...me and those damned ducks. Who else would miss him? Who else would know who he truly was?
It was up to me to remember him and me alone. His friends, though present at the funeral, were too few and too far removed from his life because of traveling to care for his father. They didn’t have memories of him now; they were ghosts of his former life, a life where he was carefree and not shouldering the responsibility of a dying parent.
If I forgot him, he would be forgotten.
I vowed then and there to never let that happen.
I entered my parents’ house to find them in their recliners, locked in an obvious battle of wills. I stood in the entry way listening to their fight as I laughed to myself, peeking around the corner.
“Give me the damn remote.”
