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Jamie wasn’t far away from Jules in the looks department. She too was a dark haired beauty but with soft brown eyes and was much taller. She looked like a million bucks in her flowered swimsuit cover up, and I had to admit, as I noted her shiny, raven hair, and curvy figure, that it impressed me that other than friendly pleasantries, Jack hadn’t paid neither of my beautiful friends any attention. The pride within me swelled a little bigger as I became more excited about our ride later. I knew without a doubt that I wanted Jack to kiss me and let my thoughts wander for a brief moment as a smile crept across my face.
“Good lord, he’s going to break the seal,” Jamie said, grinning at me after she read my thoughts.
“Finally,” they both said in unison, chuckling at each other.
“I don’t know. Maybe? I’m not in the business of denying the obvious. He is good looking,” I said, leading them back to the deck, fresh drinks in hand. “But I still don’t know if I’m ready to take that leap.”
We lay side-by-side, sipping our drinks as the girls grilled me more on Jack.
“I just met him. Seriously, I don’t know much.”
“Well, I say give in to him, and I mean take it all out on him, girl. He’s hot, short-term, and seems nice enough. There’s never been a more perfect time for you,” Jamie said, giving me a wink.
“She’s right,” Jules said, looking at me with concern. “You can keep waiting but for what?”
I nodded, taking another small sip of my drink, not agreeing or disagreeing with either of them, but at the same time glad I’d invited them over because I knew I needed the confidence they were giving me. Whether I admitted it to myself or not, I was suddenly aware it was a big deal that I was considering being intimate with a man again. It was the last hurdle, so to speak, the biggest
Band-Aid.
The truth was, I had spent a fair amount of time thinking about Jack in a sexual sense. I hadn’t worried about the lasting effect it might have on me if we were intimate or if either of us wanted more. The girls seemed to assume he wouldn’t be anything other than a conquest for me, and for some reason, that bothered me. Maybe because he was a nice guy and objectifying him felt wrong or maybe because he was the first man I’d really been attracted to since Grant.
“I’ve been doing some things on impulse lately,” I said, nodding over to my new car that was parked in the driveway. “I may need to reel it in a bit.”
“Holy shit, I didn’t even notice it,” Jamie noted as she studied my car then turned to me. “You are in the mood for change. Don’t let if freak you out, Rose. Seriously, you need it.” She looked back at my car. “I’m officially jealous.”
“Don’t be, you have no idea what I’m paying for it,” I said, wiping my hand down my face. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing right now.”
“Rose, you can either live with it or you can’t. Whatever you choose, we’ve got your back,” Jules said before sliding her sunglasses back on and resuming her sunbathing.
“Agreed,” Jamie said as she rubbed oil over her legs. “But if you pass on him—”
“You’ll be the first to know,” I said with a chuckle.
The girls packed up right after sunset and two hours of sobering up then made their way home. I sat on my deck in a comfortable lounger as I waited for Jack, staring at the initials carved in Grant’s tree. Tiny branches were making their way out of the etched writing, and I wondered if I should pluck them out or if the new growth was somehow telling me what everyone else was: that it was time to move on. I was ready, but at the same time in no way prepared to be let down. A majority of my grieving had to do with the fact that I had known a love so incredible, so unique, I was sure I’d never be given the same gift twice.
“You are every dream I’ve ever had.”
I shot awake in the deck chair as Grant’s voice echoed through my thoughts then shivered as I let out a pained cry. I’d just seen him. He’d just been there. Grant was just in front of me.
It had been so real.
I burst into tears and hugged myself, gripping the top of my shoulders as I began to sob. I barely heard Jack’s faint “Rose?” and was unable to respond, paralyzed in my state. Suddenly, I felt his strong arms encase me and didn’t think at all as I clung to him, greedy for the comfort. I cried into Jack’s shoulder as jagged pain coursed through my every limb.
The pain was so intense, I couldn’t believe how close it was to the same unforgiving heartache I’d felt the hours, days, and endless weeks after his death. It had been months since I’d dreamed of him so vividly. It haunted me as I shook in a stranger’s arms.
I couldn’t understand it. Why did this hurt so much more? Everything I loved about him had been thrust in front of me so clearly. I could still feel him all around me. I held on to it as long as I could as I allowed the tears to fall freely and let the hurt of abandonment have its way with me. I knew the pain, the god-awful pain so well. It had become second nature in the year that followed Grant’s sudden death, and yet it had felt like forever since it had consumed me. I’d been a fool to think I was free.
Suddenly aware I was crying and Jack was the one consoling me, I pulled away and wiped my face. “God, I’m sorry. I must’ve had a dream.”
Jack looked down at me, concern written all over his features. “I don’t know much about you, Rose Whittaker, but I do know without a doubt I hate seeing you cry.”
“I don’t even know where this came from,” I said, trying to gather my dignity.
“Well,” he said, pushing my hair behind my bare shoulder and staring at the newly unveiled skin, “Maybe you needed it. Sometimes the body has a way of ridding itself on our behalf.”
I was stunned by Jack’s words and their depth. We stared at each other for a long minute, me still shaking slightly as I pulled my knees up in the chair and hugged them to me, him sitting next to me, rubbing my shoulders before he slid them down my arms in a soothing manner. I did my best to shake off my emotion and the lingering effects of my dream. Jack stayed quiet, a calming presence while I gathered myself. I found myself thankful that he was there. Something about his strength and confidence put me at ease.
“You really were raised by more women than men, huh?” I said, admiring him again. He was freshly showered and in a dark blue dress shirt, jeans, and the same shiny black boots as the night before. His smell hit me next as I appreciated the mix of gold and sand in his hair. All I could think as I watched him watch me was: were the girls right?
