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Ignoring my vibrating phone, I mindlessly watched the faces of those who walked by, wondering if they were happy. How much could you tell about a person by watching them in a park?
When they glanced back at me, did they see the successful lie I had become? Or did they see the broken shell of a man who no longer had any desire at all? Not in my career, my life, or in love.
No, it was craving that fueled me now. I had to know. My whole being would not let me rest another minute until I had the answer to the question I so desperately needed to ask.
But I was going back.
For her, for me, for my sanity, I had to know.
“I’ll still love you.”
“I hate being a grown up.”—Laura (Room 212)
Dallas
Now
Not again! I ran to the bathroom, relieving myself for the fifth time today. I knew what this was. I knew it. I would deal with it later. I was late for rounds and was already so far behind. Damn it, this would not look good. I waved to Beatrice, my favorite nurse on staff, and she ushered me in the direction of the rest of my group.
“Dr. Whitaker, good to see you again. Will you be joining us for the rest of rounds?”
“Sorry, Dr. Pierce,” I said, avoiding eye contact.
This was bad, not that I could not deal with getting called out in front of the other doctors. I just knew what frequent pee breaks meant. I had dirty dick disease! Damn it, of all the times to get a bladder infection! Josh would never hear the end of this for sure. If only he would stop sexing me every day and give me a damn break. I could not hide my smile, and I knew he was not really to blame. Still, I was irritated, and I already felt the tugging of my bladder. Only fifteen more patients and I could go attempt to pee. I felt a small pang of guilt when I thought of last night in bed when Josh had practically begged me to move in with him. He had been trying so hard with me.
“Dally, please,” he rasped out while lying on his side, sliding his manipulative fingers down my shoulder.
“My name is D-a-l-l-a-s. You know, like the city we live in? Find a new pet name. I hate that one,” I barked, my hands clasped under my pillow.
“How about Lucifer?” he said without any humor in his voice, but I could hear the smile on his lips.
“Sounds much better than Dally,” I said, adjusting my pillow and folding it in half just right so I felt supported. When I could not get comfortable, I gave it an all-out fit, pulling it out from under me and punching it a few good times
. It was a peeve of mine.
“I love you, Dallas. Please talk to me. Why won’t you move in?” He wrapped his arm around me, stroking my skin underneath my t-shirt.
“We’ve only been dating a year,” I noted, my back still to him in a vain attempt to keep the conversation at bay.
“A year is long enough. I already know what a pain in the ass you are. Why won’t you go all in with me?”
The hurt in his voice tugged on my heartstrings. As long as I stood my ground, I knew I would have a good chance at keeping the inevitable conversation away for just a bit longer.
“I’m not ready for it, Josh. Now hush. I need my sleep.”
He pulled my arm around and flipped me so I was straddling him. His fearless blue eyes let me know he was intent on having this conversation.
“I am going to die of sleep depravity,” I bitched as he leaned up, grabbed my bottom lip with his teeth and sucked it gently.
“And I know what a demon you can be. Look, Dally…Lucifer …” He grinned and I returned it. “I love you. Please just move in. You already stay here practically every day, anyway.” He gave me a hopeful look.
“Josh, I have this illusion of a grand gesture and you are totally fucking it up for me.” I sighed as he kept me planted where I was with his hands on my hips.
“Grand gesture?” he said, squeezing my hips as he ground his against me.
“Something over the top, you know?” I said, feeling the pull of what he was doing. “Never mind, I heard that in some movie, I think.” He paused, looking totally lost. I could not blame him. I had no idea what I was looking for, either. But what I did know is my last few months with Josh have been a struggle. The connection was lacking and I was fighting the loss of it. “Forget it. Look, it’s a good idea in theory and it would save us both some money. We get along well and I am over here all the time. I gave you monogamy. Let it be enough for now, okay?”
His sexy smile told me I was off the hook, for now, but only with the conversation. “Okay, well, can I at least have a kiss goodnight?”
