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“All consuming,” she encouraged.
I nodded, leaning back in my chair, my voice cracking with my next words. “It still is and I can’t figure it out, Mom. I can’t make it stop. The need to be with him is so strong. I feel too much. I can’t stay in the same room with him without wanting more.”
“You can’t help the way you feel, Dallas. As guilty as it makes you feel about Josh, and I know that’s what is eating at you the most, you cannot help it. Trust me when I tell you I have been there. They invented the ‘nice guy’ theory for men who are innocent bystanders left in the wake of our first love gone wrong. We always recover but we never forget and we never love quite the same. The first love is always the most felt, the hardest to get over, and the hardest to forget.”
“Great,” I said, feeling hopeless. “So what do I do?”
“What do you want?” she asked immediately.
“I don’t know.”
“Sure you do.” She winked, standing suddenly, and leaning over to place a kiss on my forehead.
I looked up at my beautiful mother and could see how transparent my feelings were. “Thank you. I’m sorry for what I said…about you filling our heads full of crap.”
“I’ve always encouraged you to love with all your heart. That’s when it feels the best.”
“And the worst,” I added, getting out of my chair and grabbing our empty glasses.
“And the worst,” she agreed. “We are having an engagement party for Rose and Grant on Sunday,” she said, opening the patio door for me.
“What do you think about that?” I asked, fearful of my mother’s response.
“I adore him. He came and asked our permission last week. Wait until you meet him. You will know right away he’s perfect for her. I know I’m pretty liberal when it comes to love, but I had my doubts until I met him. Be happy for her, Dallas. She’s had a horrible time in that department, as well.”
“I am, Mom. I swear. I’m just worried for her. I know how bad it can hurt when it goes downhill.”
“So does she,” my mother reminded, turning off the kitchen lights as we stood at the foot of the stairs. “And she’s ready to give it another chance,” she said, raising her voice so I caught her drift.
“I am with Josh,” I defended weakly.
“Cut him loose, Dallas,” my mother warned.
“So I just dump my boyfriend of a year, who happens to be close to a saint, and amazing to me, for a man who broke my heart and has been absent for the last seven years?”
“Do you want my permission?”
“No.”
“Do you want me to make your decision?”
“No, Mom, I get it.”
“Good, now stop whining. Get your ass upstairs and get in bed. Tomorrow morning I’ll make your favorite breakfast.”
“I love you, Mom.”
“You too, peanut.” She hugged me tightly.
“What if it’s the wrong choice?” I asked before she pulled away.
She stayed quiet for a long moment, and I wondered if she was going to answer me before she spoke. “It seems like we love so much more than the rest of the world, doesn’t it? So much harder, like we hurt more, feel deeper.”
“That’s not what I asked,” I said, confused.
“How hard is it to believe that he loved you as much as you loved him?”
“Very,” I said roughly.
