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“No, you’re angry.”
“Hell yes, I’m angry!” I took deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves. “Let’s not do this,” I pleaded.
“Ask me anything you want,” he encouraged. When I stayed quiet, he continued. “After my father’s funeral, I came to see you at school.”
I froze.
“I was so fucked up, Dallas, so lost. All I wanted was to see your face. You managed to find me at Columbia, and your campus was so much smaller, but I waited a whole day just for a glimpse of you and didn’t get anything. I thought about us as I waited there, searching for you in vain. When I went home, even though I was still without you, I withdrew from Helena. I never belonged to her. When I decided to move home, I looked you up. I knew you were working at that hospital, and I did what I needed to do to get in there. I didn’t know you were still waiting, because if I did—”
“Stop it. Stop. I didn’t get anything from you, not one phone call, not one fucking text, not one email. You gave me nothing! Why didn’t you come to me? Why email my sister? Why couldn’t you have just come to me? I was here. I was waiting. I kept my promise!” I cupped my hand over my mouth to keep him from hearing my sobs. The rejection ripped fresh waves of pain through me as I fought for control.
“I’m coming to you. We can’t do this over the phone.”
“No, answer me,” I said quickly, knowing I would crumble at the sight of him. I had waited a long time for the answers I now knew I deserved.
“I was still trying to figure out how to approach you after all that time. I couldn’t face you being involved with someone else. And eventually I didn’t care anymore. I wanted to know you again. I had to know you again. I know you don’t believe me, but it’s the truth.”
“You’re right, I don’t believe you, but damn it…Dean, I want to.” My voice shook with emotion and I was suddenly exhausted. “Dean, I have to go.”
“Talk to me, damn it,” he snapped, clearly frustrated and I understood it. I wasn’t giving him any help. “I just want to put this behind us.”
“I’m not really good at doing that,” I reminded him. “I want to trust you. I want to trust me.”
“You are still holding back with me, I know that. We can’t do this the right way if you do that.”
“I know,” I conceded.
We remained quiet for several minutes.
“Ask me,” he prompted. I let the tears trickle down knowing exactly what he wanted. It had been on the tip of my tongue and it was the only question I truly wanted an answer to.
“Why didn’t you keep your promise?”
“I was already engaged,” he said so softly that I had to strain to hear. I nodded, knowing that it was the truth all along.
“I’m fine…I already knew that.”
“I told you I met her the first year but we didn’t start dating until my second. I wanted to believe that what you and I had was just a young love type of thing. That I would always remember you but I could move on. That I was right to be in New York, and that it was a good thing to try to move forward with Helena. I tried to convince myself the shooting pains in my chest every time I thought about you would eventually disappear. That the guilt I felt when I had sex with my own fiancée had nothing to do with you. That every time I slipped in the shower and wrapped my fist around myself it wasn’t you I was thinking about.
“That the rage I felt at the thought of another man touching you was immature and misplaced. It never got better. It never went away, and I considered a good day a day where I fell asleep without you being the last thing on my mind. I want to tell you when Rose answered my email and told me you fell in love and were happy that I was happy for you. That it didn’t feel like I had lost you all over again and I didn’t resent you for it. That some part of me wasn’t hoping deep down it would all fall apart for you. But I’m a selfish man and I wanted you to keep your promise, even though I never kept mine. I wanted New York to fit because it was supposed to, but I was never as happy as I was when we were together. And eventually, my stubborn determination to make my life work there became a daily realization that I was living the wrong life with the wrong woman.”
I listened silently as he told me about his regret.
“I won’t lie to you and tell you there weren’t times I thought it was working. That I wasn’t happy and didn’t do well because, I did. I was at times. My career took off shortly after I graduated. I got a staggering amount of offers and I dived right in with the best one. When that happened, I was, for the first time, happy that I stuck with my decision to stay. But it was short lived when my father died. It was a slap in the face for me. I had already accomplished what I set out to do and none of it was fulfilling enough for me to keep pretending what I was doing was enough.”
Men are such idiots.
“Dallas?”
“I’m here.”
“None of this is helping, is it?” Gravel filled his voice as I absorbed all he had told me.
“Why did you lie about still being engaged when you got here?” I shut the door to the patio and stepped inside, rummaging through the fridge.
“I don’t know.”
“Not good enough, Dean.”
