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The next few days I kept busy by calling the vendors and cancelling the wedding arrangements. I called the guest list, informing them of Grant’s passing and the time of his service. It was by far the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. Rose only made one decision, asking that Grant be cremated. She did not say a word and simply sat on the couch as we stayed within arm’s reach, taking turns to sneak off and take care of what had to be done. My mother and I took turns simply sitting by her side as she stared across the room, fixated on nothing. I found her a few times in the garden doing much of the same. She hardly spoke and refused to eat. Paul stayed home several days trying to engage her, but she refused to entertain him anything at all. He kept his patience with Rose but eventually broke down in private with my mother terrified for his sister and thinking the same thing that we all were, that we had lost Rose as well.
The day of what was supposed to be their wedding I woke up and Rose was gone. She hadn’t left word of where she was going and we all quickly scrambled to try and find her. I spent hours driving around aimlessly calling her cell phone with no answer, cursing my stupidity for letting her out of my sight. When an idea finally occurred to me, I quickly called my father.
“Grants land, Dad. The house, where is it?”
“Of course, damn it. Why didn’t I think of that, I’m on my way,” he said quickly.
“No, Dad, I’ve got this, okay, text me the address.”
He hesitantly agreed and thirty minutes later, I was pulling in to a country girl’s dream. I took in the overabundance of empty acres, noting the vast amount of pasture complimented by the beautiful backdrop of the trees that surrounded it. Though it was the dead of winter, I could see the appeal and my heart sank a little further at the loss of what this land was supposed to represent: their beginning.
After driving several minutes, I started to fear I was wrong about my hunch when I noticed a large pond in the distance. I sped up moments later when I spotted Rose’s SUV under a low hanging tree surrounded by the framing of what was to be their dream home.
I spotted Rose, jumped out of my truck, and shivered against the cold wind as I looked at my baby sister in horror. She was standing in her wedding dress, yelling and cursing, fury written all over her posture. I saw her rear back and throw something at the framing of the house then rushed her way.
“Rose?” I questioned as she ignored me, continuing her rant.
“You don’t love me! If you loved me, you wouldn’t have taken him from me! Grant!” The pure agony in her voice sent me right over the edge with her. Our sobs matched as I watched my baby sister scream at the heavens. “Grant!” she called desperately, her hoarse voice begging for a reply.
She was hysterical and seemed to be yelling at…God.
She had a six-pack in her hand and was draining the contents of a new bottle. When she finished, she threw it with everything she had, aiming for the tree. It shattered in to pieces as she grabbed another bottle, crying, heaving, and screaming with rage.
“Four months! I only had him four months and you knew! You knew you were taking him away! How could you do this to me?!” Another bottle crashed against the framing, and I stood there watching her unravel. Her wedding dress perfectly fitted to her tiny frame. She had even taken the time to fix her hair the way she had practiced and had several sprays of baby’s breath tucked in. She looked absolutely beautiful and completely broken. I waited patiently for her to acknowledge me, but she was waging war and I was going to let her have it.
“Grant!” she cried, throwing another bottle with so much force she fell to her knees as it smashed against the wood. I rushed to her then, hitting my knees and throwing my arms around her.
She clutched my arms as I held her, the rawness in her voice tearing me apart. “Oh, my God! Dallas, oh, my God! Why, why, why did this happen? How am I supposed to do this? I can’t do this, Dallas! I’m over. My life is over! I can’t do this! I can’t live through this!” I nodded as I held her tightly to me.
“I’m here. I’m never leaving, you hear me? I’ll be here,” I promised.
“No you won’t!” she said, trying to pull away, but I refused it, gripping her tighter. “He was my every day, Dallas. He was my life. You can’t be him and he’s gone! Grant!” She crumbled against me as I held her tighter, feeling the painful waves rolling off of her. “Oh God, oh God, oh no! Noooo!” she sobbed as I refused to let her out of my embrace.
Minutes later, she curled up with her head in my lap as I stroked her hair. It was freezing outside and her skin was quickly becoming pink with each minute that passed. I threw my jacket over her as she cried. “One week and forever,” she whispered. “You said one week and forever.”
She hiccupped in my lap, allowing me to caress her hair away from her soaked cheeks.
“It’s beautiful out here,” I said quietly when she had drained the last of her tears. She readjusted herself on my lap as I ran my hand down her back, trying to think of anything I could say.
“I’ll never love anyone again, not this way.”
“I want to say it will get better, but I have no idea.”
I couldn’t offer her any more than the truth and I refused to use rehearsed words of comfort. They were useless. My sister had suffered the loss of her life and I wasn’t about to let her know I thought differently.
“Dallas, why are we here?”
“You mean meaning of life and all that crap?” I said, taking in her serious tone.
“Yeah, why? Tell me what you think, D,” she sniffed as she stared blankly in front of her.
“I don’t know…I think this is just all a random mess, a crapshoot of possibilities, good and bad. I think God put us here to live and we do just that. I think the world is full of fucked up people who will both love you and hurt you and then we have more thrown against us with disaster, disease, and everything in between.”
“Like freak accidents.”
“Yeah, those, too.”
“So why even bother to care about it? About anything or anyone if it all goes away?” Rose asked, her lip trembling.
