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Cameron’s Mac: Kat was a gymnast when she was young. Did she tell you that?”
Abbie nodded, and I had to rip my eyes away to keep going.
Cameron’s Mac: She had a bulging disk and for years she was in constant pain. After she finally had to have surgery, she got hooked on the pain meds and became an addict. Her addiction stemmed from nowhere. At least that’s what I thought. Before the surgery we had a decent marriage and a good life. We wanted for nothing and were talking about having our first child. I can’t say that our marriage was blissful because I know what that feels like now, with you. But at the time I wouldn’t have second guessed it. Looking back, maybe she was unhappy because the drugs seemed to fill up something I couldn’t. At first, she tried to hide it from me. And then when she stopped trying to conceal her addiction, everything changed.
Abbie nodded at me in encouragement.
Cameron’s Mac: The first time I confronted her was the first time she lashed out.
Abbie nodded and wiped her face as she looked at her screen. I knew she was afraid I would see the pity in her eyes. But all I wanted was understanding.
Cameron’s Mac: I tried everything I could. She did not want my help and made it clear she didn’t want to get clean. I finally gave an ultimatum and kept it by leaving her. She never did anything to bridge the gap on her end. I didn’t stop trying to help her when I left, and she didn’t stop destroying herself. I would catch her seeking all over the worst parts of the city. I froze her credit cards, I kept tabs on her twenty-four seven. I damn near lost my business following my wife all over Chicago to get prescription drugs. She was a functioning addict, so no one was concerned, not even her father who I tried repeatedly to get through to. It was a fucking nightmare. One morning I woke up and all we had left in common was her addiction. We hadn’t been physical in the whole year before I left.
Abbie’s Mac: Did she do it a lot?
Cameron’s Mac: Too often to talk about comfortably. I think I was mostly in shock. She was nothing like the woman I married and I’d never dealt with anything like that before. A few fights when I was younger. I went to see a therapist and Kat refused.
Abbie nodded as if she already knew. I had no idea what my ex-wife told her.
Cameron’s Mac: I honestly don’t know if it was all because of the drugs now that I look back. For the most part, she had a shitty temper but never lashed out like that. I think her father knows something more about that and they both never shared it with me. The night you found out, I handed her fate over to him. I wanted to be free of her, so I could be with you. Selfish, yes. Every single minute. I left my wife a drug addict to save my own life. To find another reason to be happy, to find you. I was tired of living in her nightmare. I sacrificed her well-being for my own.
Abbie’s Mac: That’s not true Cameron.
Cameron’s Mac: It is. In sickness and in health. She got sick and I only spent a year trying to help her before I left. I can’t say I wouldn’t do it the same way again. That’s the truth.
I swallowed.
Cameron’s Mac: In a way I think I knew this, us, would blow up in my face. In some idiotic way I think I deserved it. I should have felt guilty for being as happy as I was with you when she still str
uggled with her addiction. I couldn’t blame you now, if you couldn’t trust me. And I don’t know how to move forward from this. I never wanted you to know. I’m almost certain I would have kept that from you. Probably. I think. Fuck, I don’t know if that’s the truth. But I never should have lied to you about the fact I was still married.
Her breath left her as she read and re-read my words shaking her head.
Abbie’s Mac: No.
Cameron’s Mac: You had every right to be angry. I’m the bad guy, Abbie. In this scenario, I am the bad guy.
She shook her head refusing to believe me.
Cameron’s Mac: This time I am. This round I was the one who was in denial and it paved my way into your heart and into your bed.
I saw her face pale as she shook her head adamantly.
Cameron’s Mac: Yes. I hid behind your rules, so I had a shot with you. I did all of these things. But loving you was never a lie.
Abbie’s Mac: You would never purposefully hurt me.
Cameron’s Mac: I did hurt you, I scared you. That night, at your house I scared you.
Abbie’s Mac: You would never hurt me.
Cameron’s Mac: I did. And I did it by trying to save myself.
“This is bullshit,” she said as she closed her Mac and shoved it in her tote. She wiped at her face with her hands stained with dark streaks I’d caused and met my gaze head on as she gathered her things and walked out of the coffee shop.
Stunned, I scrambled after her. “Abbie,” I caught up with her a few steps out of the café. “Abbie! Damn it! This is happening. We’re doing this.” She walked forward and I caught her by the arm. “I mean it. I’m not going anywhere. Just tell me what you want.”
She turned on me.
