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Brooke’s heart felt as if it were tearing apart. He sounded so sincere, so loving.
‘I don’t think it’s a good idea, Matt,’ she said.
‘Oh.’
The silence was like a siren.
‘Matt, I’m getting married in three days.’
‘But what about the other night?’ His voice was hurt, pleading.
‘Matt, do
n’t. It’s better this way.’
‘NO!’ he shouted. ‘Listen, I’m coming round. We should at least talk about it.’
‘No,’ she said, feeling irrational butterflies of fear.
‘Please. Just give me five minutes.’
He is not a monster, she told herself. You at least owe him that.
‘Five minutes,’ she said.
*
He walked into her apartment silently, his green eyes heavy and sad. Brooke stood in the centre of her living room, arms folded defensively in front of her.
‘What changed, Brooke?’ he said quietly. ‘I thought we had something that night. I know we did.’
She forced herself to look at him. She had spent the last twenty–four hours demonizing him, convincing herself that he was a violent, snarling beast, but she didn’t see any of that in the man standing in front of her. She saw a flawed man, a man who had made mistakes. The fact that she could see him suffering – the red rings of tiredness around his handsome eyes, the furrowed brow – only made her more sad. She had never wanted to lie to Matt; for the last nine months he had been a good friend, her little oasis of sanity. Okay, so perhaps he was not the man she thought he once was, but she still felt she owed him the truth.
‘You hit Katie,’ she said, struggling to keep her voice flat and composed. ‘You hit Susie too.’
He looked at her sharply. ‘Who said that to you?’
‘It doesn’t matter. All that matters is that I know.’
‘It’s not true,’ he said his voice rising, trembling.
Brooke realized that she still wanted to believe him, she still wanted to believe that Susie and Grace had been lying, but the look in his eyes gave him away. Guilt.
She felt sick with disappointment.
‘That’s why you’re going to Africa,’ she added, suddenly seeing it clearly. ‘You don’t just want to get away from work, from New York, you want to escape from who you’ve become.’
She looked up and was shocked to see that he was crying.
‘Do you know how bad it gets in the hospital?’ he said quietly. ‘When you try to save a child and you can’t? When a twelve–year–old kid dies of a gunshot wound? When a man who has just got engaged and has his whole life ahead of him gets stabbed in the heart by some crazy homeless guy and dies on a table in front of you?’
‘No, no I don’t and I’m sure it’s tough. But it’s no excuse to drink and take out your frustrations on other people. To hurt other people,’ she said, her voice raised and trembling.
‘I was no ogre, Brooke. Katie and I argued and once or twice it got out of hand when I’d had too much to drink. I loved my wife.’
‘Don’t dare try and justify it.’
Matt looked at her, then glanced away, walking over to the window.
