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“You can keep the tissues, okay? And if you have someone, please call them to pick you up. I really have to go.”
The stranger throws me one final pitiful look, then she returns to her car. I want to shout at her and tell her that no amount of crying can cure the pain in my heart. And I have no one to call now. I will never have anyone anymore.
Minutes pass before I find enough strength to drive again. I force myself not to think about anything else besides the road. Within a few more minutes, I’m back at my apartment. I step out of my car and stop in front of the building. It is painful to think about what happened in this place just a few days ago. And it is even more hurtful that I cannot look forward to anything happy about this place anymore.
A passerby looks at me and waves hello. I put on a sad smile and cross the few feet from my car to the door. Everything looks the same yet feels so different.
I run up to my floor and inside my place. Then, a tsunami of sadness hits me. I recall all the days that Myah stayed here, bringing life to this desolate apartment. Before her, I had always imagined what life would have been like if I had a sister. Would life be easier or more bearable?
Christian is a decent man now, but he is a boy, and he developed the courage to stand up for what he likes, unlike me. And then, Myah came along. Life isn’t easier with or without her in it. But it was more livable. It was more enjoyable to wake up each day because I knew that I would not be waking up alone.
I grip my chest because my heart feels like it is breaking apart. Then, the negative voice in my head — that sounds like my father — says that I have always been doomed to be alone. There never was a chance between Owen and me, even before I realized that I love him. I don’t deserve love. I have kept so many secrets that the foundation of our relationship is all pretense. And I’m not even good enough for him. I’m just the woman he fucks when he’s in town.
The thoughts weaken me. And I find myself walking sluggishly to the sofa. All my strength has left me. And all I want is to crumble down. I hug my knees to my chest and stare at the empty loveseat across me.
Time moves around me, but I keep my position until the light is already shining brightly inside my living room. I plan to stay here for as long as my body lets me, but my phone rings. I know it isn’t Owen. He will never call me again. And the only person I want to talk with is him, so I ignore it. I let it ring until it stops. Still, it starts to buzz again. So, I reach for it. It’s Kane.
“Hello,” my voice sounds so weak even to my ears.
“Sloane. I just received a peculiar call from General Lewis. He said that he was only willing to continue with the deal if he worked with someone else. Of course, that is perfectly okay with Ashton and me. But I wanted to know why. Do you have any idea about why he would be requesting this?”
I shake my head, lying to myself. But I know that I need to say something to Kane.
“Maybe because we have very different personalities.” Ergo, I have kept my identity from him and made him believe a person who doesn’t really exist exists. “And it can be hard to work with someone who you don’t agree with.” Or don’t want to see, I add in my head. “Are you calling me because I’m fired?”
I’m scared to hear the answer because working at McKenzie Tech is the only thing that gives structure to my life. With this emotional turmoil that I’m in, I don’t know how to live anymore if I lose my job.
Kane lets out a breath. “I don’t know why you would think that. Are you quitting? Because we’re not letting you go so easily.” I hear the smile in his voice, and I breathe easier. But I don’t reply because the short relief is slowly dissipating and being replaced by the emptiness again.
“So,” my boss starts, breaking the awkward pause. “I don’t know what is happening with you lately, but Ashton and I talked about you, and we’re concerned. We want to ask you to take some time off work. And again, this does not mean that you are fired, Sloane.”
I’m actually glad about the break because I know that I’m not in the right mind to work right now. I don’t want to suddenly do something that will only mess up my position at work. So, I say yes. I hear the gasp on the other line, and I understand it. I’m not the type of person to take a break. Looking back now, I realize that I haven’t taken any break since I started at their company. It’s not because I am a perpetual machine. It’s only because I want to keep myself so busy that I will always have an excuse to avoid my parents and my father’s business meetings. And also, so I can forget that I’m all alone in life.
