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With one more effort I widened my legs and moved my right one until he was now between them, and his body was right there on top of me. Fully. I slid both my arms around his back, and my hands caressed the tight muscles under his shirt.
“Fuck,” Asa whispered as he broke the kiss. He rested his head in the curve of my neck, and his breathing was hard and fast. I stilled my exploration of his back and waited. My head was a foggy mess. I didn’t want him to stop what he was doing. “This. You. God, Ezmita, you feel incredible.”
Relieved that it wasn’t something I had done to make him stop, I bit back a smile.
“Too fucking good. Which means I need to stop this and get off of you now,” he continued, but he made no move to get off of me. My hands fisted in his shirt before I could stop them. What was I planning to do? Hold him here?
He groaned and still didn’t move. Trying to get him to continue what he had been doing, I wiggled beneath him. He was off me immediately then. My hold on him hadn’t been tight enough. He was looking straight ahead at the movie, and his chest was rising and falling so fast, he appeared to be struggling to get his breath. I knew that feeling.
I sat up slowly and leaned back against the cab of the truck. Beside him but not touching. I, too, stared straight ahead. He said nothing, so neither did I. The longer we sat there like that, I began to wonder if I had made a mistake. Did I do something wrong? I replayed the events in my head. Maybe I had been a little too needy. Had that freaked him out?
His hand covered mine and I turned to look at him. He was still staring straight ahead, and he linked his fingers with mine and held my hand. No words were spoken. We sat there like that for the rest of the movie. Not speaking. Not looking at each other but holding hands.
When the credits finally rolled, I wasn’t sure what to think. Had this been a good date? The first part had been epic for me, but Asa had been on a million dates. Had this one ranked in his top ten? Or had the silent treatment meant it was a disappointment? I hated this second-guessing myself. I wished I was brave enough to just ask him. I was too afraid of the truth to do something like that, though. I didn’t want to know how badly I had messed up.
His hand let mine go and he looked over at me. “Good movie,” he said simply, then grinned. I tried to smile back at him, but my attempt wasn’t great.
“Yeah,” I lied.
He sighed then and closed his eyes while resting his head on the back of the cab. “Are you okay?” he asked with his eyes still closed.
“Yes,” I replied, not sure what he meant by that exactly.
“You understand why I had to stop, right?” he asked, then turned his head to look at me.
Lying would make this less painful, but I didn’t want to lie. I wanted to understand. “No,” I replied.
He looked pained. As if telling me this was going to be hard. I immediately regretted asking for an explanation. Being in the dark was possibly better than being hurt. “We can’t… do this,” he said. “I don’t do relationships and you’re a relationship girl. You’re perfect and I’m not. I leave soon for Mississippi and you go to California. Getting into something with you right now can’t work. Even if I could do an exclusive thing. Which I can’t. I tried once. I suck at it. She would tell you the same thing. I don’t have the correct outlook on relationships.”
I wasn’t going to California, but he assumed I was from our conversation that night on the bridge. I could have corrected him here and let him know that I was a psycho headed to Mississippi too because I had a crush on him the size of Mount Rushmore. Telling him this would do no good. Lead to nothing. He didn’t want to be exclusive. He thought I would require that. I wanted it. The idea of him being with other girls was hard to think about. I wasn’t interested in other guys. Just him. It had always been him.
However, if all I could get was part of him, I would take it. That sounded pathetic, but I didn’t want to lose him before I’d even gotten him. I opened my mouth to say something I would probably regret soon enough. “I don’t want exclusive, Asa. I’m not asking for that.”
He studied me a moment. He was trying to decide if I was lying or not. I held my poker face well.
