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I jerked myself around as best I could while still maintaining my balance against the tree I was leaning against. Jesus, I was way too fucking vulnerable on the ground. Why had I let Newt convince me to sit on the ground outside Apollo’s enclosure rather than keep my ass where it belonged—in the damn chair?
“It’s just me,” came a voice several seconds before I could even make out the figure. But I didn’t need to see who it was. The voice was enough.
God, it haunted me. Awake, asleep, it didn’t matter. Sawyer’s voice was ingrained in my soul. Just like the sight of his back was burned into my brain. I’d been willing to do anything that he wanted to help the dog and he’d just turned his back on me and walked away.
Humiliation and anger warred with one another as I turned my attention back to the fence separating me from its occupant. “I think they’re just starting dinner,” I said without looking at Sawyer.
I couldn’t.
“So why are you down here?” Sawyer asked. Then, to my horror, he sat down next to me, though he wasn’t forced to lean against the tree like I was. Despite it being six o’clock, the sun was on a slow trajectory to the horizon, testament to the fact that summer did actually exist in northern Minnesota. Fortunately, Newt had spread one of the sleeping bags beneath us as well as one on top, so my stubs weren’t visible.
“Why are you?” I countered and then immediately regretted it because Sawyer sighed and began to climb to his feet. “Wait,” I said as I grabbed his wrist. I made sure he could still easily escape my grasp if he wanted to. The last thing I wanted was for him to have any other reason to see me in the same light as his piece-of-shit ex.
Sawyer stopped but he didn’t exactly relax and settle back on the ground. I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. I’d wanted an opportunity to show Sawyer who I really was, and I was already blowing it. But at the same time, the idea of exposing even the smallest bit of my jugular to the man left my insides cold.
“Please,” I said softly. His skin felt warm against mine, but it was just that little area that felt anything at all. The rest of me felt numb because I knew this really was it. This truly was my last chance with the man. Even if it was just to be friends.
But he was still hesitating.
“Please, Sawyer, I just want to show you this one thing and then I’ll leave you alone.”
When Sawyer relaxed and allowed his weight to sink back down on the ground, I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or disturbed. What if he was only placating me so he could escape my presence for good?
I forced the conflicting thoughts aside and focused on what was truly important.
“Let’s just give him a minute to settle down,” I said.
“Who? Apollo?” Sawyer asked. “He’s out here?” he said in surprise as he began scanning the enclosure. I smiled because I knew exactly what he was looking for. A snarling, angry dog trying desperately to escape his enclosure.
“He’s over there,” I said as I leaned into Sawyer just a bit and pointed to the far corner of the enclosure. “Behind the log. You can see his front paws.”
“Wow, I just assumed he was inside because he didn’t make a sound at my approach.”
“He’s made some progress,” I said.
Sawyer turned to look at me. “Some progress?” he said with a wide smile. “Three days ago, that dog wanted to take the head off of everyone and everything around him. What did you do?”
His happiness made me feel like the king of the world. This was the true Sawyer. Not the shell of a man who came out when his instinct for self-protection kicked in. The one I’d brought to the surface with my cruel and childish behavior. The big smile, the bright eyes, the excitement in his voice… he would be the one who could easily steal my heart if I wasn’t careful.
“But wait, there’s more,” I said in my best infomercial voice. Sawyer chuckled and then put a hand out, signaling me to continue.
“We have to give him a few minutes to settle. He may not have reacted to your presence, but he definitely knows you’re here. I just want to give him the best chance for success,” I explained.
“Okay,” Sawyer responded quietly. Too quietly.
“I’m not trying to put the moves on you or anything,” I blurted as it occurred to me that he might think I was using the dog as an excuse to spend more time with him. Though I couldn’t blame him for thinking that since I’d already admitted that had been my intention when I’d said I’d only show him the hand signals that Apollo understood.
