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Sawyer shifted his eyes to me. “Me?”
“You could have let your family turn you into something you weren’t. You could have numbed your emotions about the whole thing by giving in to the very product that steals so many lives every second of every day. You were surrounded by nothing but people who used their fists and their cruelty to get what they wanted and yet here you are. You chose this. You chose to be here. Even if the road was a bumpy one, you made that choice for a reason. Nature, nurture, who really knows?”
I found myself pulling our joined hands closer to my lap so I could run the fingers of my other hand up his arm. “You came from something so ugly, Sawyer, and yet I think you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever known.” I loved the contrast of his skin and mine. When I’d come out, I’d quickly clued in on the fact that there were plenty of Black gay men who only preferred other men of color and then you had those who only fucked white guys. I hadn’t really ever given much thought to which side of the fence I fell on and now I knew why.
I preferred Sawyer.
I preferred the sexy, foul-mouthed, passionate, caring vet who’d been so upset at the prospect of me being gone from this world that he’d punished me with the most amazing kiss that had ever been bestowed upon me. He would likely deny it, but the man wore his heart on his sleeve. His true nature was to act, to say something, to do something. He clearly cared about others, he was very tactile with the people he knew, and his smile could light up a person’s world because it was just so damn infectious.
So then why was he trying so hard to hide all of that?
Had I said or done something to snuff out that fire within him?
“The ex,” I whispered as things clicked into place. Sawyer’s fingers tightened on mine but, surprisingly, he didn’t try to pull his arm back. “It’s the ex,” I repeated. “He forced you to be something you weren’t.”
“He didn’t force me,” Sawyer said in response, but I ignored the words because I didn’t believe them in the least. The man might not have physically forced Sawyer to do something, but a master manipulator didn’t need to use his hands to get what he wanted. His words were enough.
“And I remind you of him,” I continued.
“Jett—”
I carefully released Sawyer’s arm and gently set it on his own leg. “Which means before I got here, you were getting free of him, of the shit he put you through. And then I show up and pull all that manipulative crap with everyone about hurting myself…”
Acid rolled around my belly, tearing little strips of my pride along with it. What had I done? How had I allowed that line to blur between being an uncooperative asshole to a manipulative monster?
“Jett, it’s not—”
“I think he’s settled down enough that I can show you this now,” I said as I began searching the ground around me for what I was looking for. I ignored Sawyer’s attempts to get my attention because I was already far too raw. I didn’t need platitudes about how it wasn’t like that and I hadn’t done anything wrong. I just needed to follow through on this particular promise and then get the hell out of there.
Thankfully, my fingers closed around the small bag where it had been sitting by my left hip. As soon as I opened it, Apollo’s interest in me and Sawyer went from cautiously curious to reservedly excited. The dog climbed to his feet and began walking toward us. Sawyer had gone completely silent and was now solely focused on the dog.
I waited until Apollo was within fifteen feet of us because I knew the animal wouldn’t come any closer than that, then threw a small handful of the treats from the bag through the openings of the chain link. My stomach warmed in satisfaction as Apollo ate one of the treats, then another.
“Oh my god, how did you get him to eat? What kinds of treats are those?” Sawyer asked quietly, making sure not to make a move. Instead of answering him, I threw another handful of the treats in.
Apollo sniffed through them and lapped up a couple. At some point Sawyer had put his hand on mine. I knew the instant he was catching on to what was happening because he tightened his hold on me.
“Wait, why is he eating only some of them? Are they different flavors?”
“Actually, no, but don’t tell Newt that.”
Sawyer swung his head to look at me. “What?”
“They’re marshmallows. Specifically, the ones from Lucky Charms cereal. Apparently, they sell just the marshmallows in their own packaging now.” I handed Sawyer the bag. “Each and every single one of those marshmallows, aside from being a different shape and color, is made up of the exact same thing. Sugar.”
