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“But I feel like if I don’t talk about our baby, it never existed. That it was never important. I didn’t know I was pregnant, but that doesn’t change the fact that I wanted our child. I… we never even got the opportunity to know. They took that from us.”
I’m on the verge of cracking, but I know I’ll never be the same if I do. Maybe that’s what I need. To realize that the person I was before will never be me again. They took that away from me, and now I need to find myself again. I need to rise from the ashes and pave my own way.
“I know they did, and I’m sorry, Aspen. I’m sorry, and I wish I knew what to do to help you. I want to help you.”
“They’re all dead, Quinton made sure of it, but that doesn’t lessen the pain. How do I forget?”
Brittney shakes her head, and pieces of blue hair fall onto her face. I can see tears forming in her own eyes. “You don’t. The pain will lessen every day, but you will never forget it. Someday, it’ll be easier for you to talk about, but you’ll have to work to get there.”
I nod, knowing deep down that she is right. Healing isn’t an overnight process, no matter how much I wish it was.
My gaze drops to my stomach, the reminder of what should be. I hate the pain that slices through me like a dull butter knife and the ache in my chest at the thought of our unborn child.
“Do you think Quinton would be with me if I was still pregnant?” I ask while already knowing the truth.
“I think Quinton is in a rough spot. He wants to protect you, but he also wants to be loyal to his family. Having a child together would’ve brought you closer, but it wouldn’t have fixed your problems.”
I clench my jaw so hard my teeth grind together. “No, but it might have made him see that he really does love me. It might have made him want to be more than enemies.”
Brittney uses a finger to lift my chin, forcing me to look at her. “Quinton loves you; he loves you so much he killed an entire family for you. He loves you in a way that isn’t conventional, and I’ll bet all the money I’ve got that he’s doing this to protect you.”
“I don’t want his protection. I want to be with him.” I barely bite back a whine of disapproval.
“Sometimes, you don’t get a choice, honey.”
I hate that she’s right. That he gets to choose if he can love me or not, while every beat of my heart is for him. How can I continue forward when the person I want to be with, the person I need, doesn’t want me?
After my emotional conversation with Brittney, I leave the library and go straight to the headmaster’s office. His assistant doesn’t even bat an eye at my presence, and I slip into his office like a ghost disappearing into the night.
I learned to knock before coming into Lucas’s office after interrupting two conversations and getting scolded like a child. I reach the door to his office and raise my fist and knock on the heavy wood twice. When I don’t get a reply, I shrug my shoulders, twist the knob in my hand, and push the door open. As suspected, the room is empty. The quiet is nice, but coming to Lucas’s office makes me feel less alone. I’ve been using a small desk in the corner of the room.
I pull out my books, pens, notebook, and laptop. I do a variety of online and text work, which Lucas oversees.
Today, I’m studying for a test in biology. I’ve just cracked the book open and started reading when the door to the office opens. Startled, I jump in my seat; the pen slips from my hand and hits the table before rolling onto the floor.
Lucas steps into the room, his head held high, his perfectly tailored suit sculpted to his body like a second skin. Of course, he’s handsome. Anyone with two eyes could tell you that, but I don’t see him like that. To me, he is more like a fun uncle now. At first, he intimidated me, but now I see him for what he really is. Strong. Compassionate. Wants the best for those he cares about.
He stares at me with his lips pursed, an eyebrow raised in question. “Everything okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
My heart clammers in my chest, and I reach down to grab the pen off the floor before answering him. “I’m fine, just a little startled, is all.”
Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve been more anxious than usual, worried that I’m being followed or watched. I know Quinton says he wouldn’t let anything happen to me, and I trust that he’ll try. But he can’t be everywhere at all times.
