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“Tell me what you were doing? Were you making sin? Did you become a sinner? Like the girls I tried to protect you from, are you turning into one?”
“No, Mom. I was… I was just looking at…” I stuttered with nonsense, but no matter what I say she won’t hear me. She’s furious.
She pulls me out of the bathroom, and I know she’ll lock me in the closet again, but I panic when we pass the closet without stopping.
I start sobbing, pleading with her, but she doesn’t listen to any words I say. When we reach the door I start screaming, kicking the air to get free of her arms, but she’s strong, so much stronger than me. And I can’t stop her as she pushes me out of the door where everyone can see me, to the cold winter air, totally naked.
I kneel next to the door, begging for my mom to take me inside as I try to cover my nakedness, but she doesn’t care about my cries. I hear the locks on the other side of the door, and all my hope leaves me with that noise.
I become a ball, trying to protect myself from the cold as much as covering my nakedness. I see some boys pass by me, I close my eyes, hoping they won’t see me, but they do. Everyone who passes by sees me makes fun of me, throws things at me, calling me all sorts of names. And I just stay, my arms wrapped around my knees as I rock back and forth.
I don’t know if I passed out or fell asleep, but when I open my eyes someone is wrapping a blanket around my body. I can’t see who it is, my eyes don’t focus. I can hear murmurs, but I can’t make sense of them. Then, arms wrap around me, enveloping me into the warmth that causes me to break into another session of sobs.
“Shh… I’m here, Veronica. Shh, it’s okay.”
The words finally make sense, and I look up. It’s Nick, hugging me, kissing my hair, my temple. His eyes are teary just like mine, and I reach to touch the single teardrop that falls from his cheek.
He looks so beautiful. He shouldn’t cry. He’s too beautiful to cry. I nestled closer to his body. He’s strong now. I can feel the hard muscles in his arms as he hugs me even tighter.
“I’m here, baby,” he whispers to me, and I nod my head at him.
“Let me take you to my house,” he whispers.
I shake my head. I don’t want to anger my mother more than she’s already been. She’s the only family I have, this is the only house I know. I can’t just go with him.
“Veronica, please. You’ll freeze here,” he says, but I shake my head again.
He finally sighs and nods. “Okay, I’m staying with you, then.”
And he stays.
He stays till the Sun rises again.
He stays and whispers to me sweet nothings, keeps me warm even though he shakes with the cold too. He even whispers he loves me over and over again, kissing away my tears.
He stays until the door opens.
My mother looks at Nick and me, back and forth a few times. I try to stand up even though I feel anger brewing inside me, but Nick holds me down into his arms.
My mother reaches and grabs my arm. Her fingers dig into my skin, but she doesn’t care. She looks like she’s in a trance and I know she’s been praying inside the closet all night. “I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t keep you away from sin. But I won’t let my baby girl be a sinner. I will help you. I will protect you from the fires of hell,” she talks with a robotic voice.
She pulls me inside, ripping me away from Nick’s arms and puts a dress over my head. I’m too weak to stop her and too scared to argue. Then, she pulls me out of the door. Her steps are fast next to me, I have a hard time keeping up with her.
I hear Nick following us, he’s calling for me, but I’m too scared to say anything to her. My mom is scaring me as she starts repeating the same words again and again: “I will protect you.”
And she doesn’t stop chanting those words until we stop in front of the all-girl Catholic school.
She should have protected me, but she didn’t. She put me right into the heart of hell under the name of God, and I hated her for it.
And I hated God, too…
Chapter 15
Present
My door is locked once.
Just once.
