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Damn, it was hard to have this conversation with him. After Rebecca had the first stroke, she went through a fairly quick recovery, and though we knew she could potentially have another, I never thought we’d lose her this early. When she began having TIAs, which were considered smaller strokes and essentially a warning sign, she was checked into the hospital. Still, I thought she’d get some new meds and be okay. I didn’t allow myself to think she’d never come home. She’d had the big one in the middle of the night, long after Grant and I had gone home to get some rest. The phone call I received at dawn still haunted me to this day. And telling Grant, well, fuck, that about did me in. I was forever changed after those first few harrowing days.
But I absolutely did not want Grant worrying about me. So it was time to put on a brave face. This conversation only solidified the notion that Grant needed stability right now, more than anything.
“Anyway, time to focus on school.” I nodded toward the entrance. “Have a good day!”
I watched as he walked toward Ellie and Jeremy, who were waiting near the entrance, and I breathed out, glad he finally had a couple of friends he felt comfortable with and who accepted him.
I drove toward the exit, questioning again my decision to share that information with Grant. And also, I couldn’t help wondering…if he’d known Marcus was bi, how would he have responded if he discovered I was like Marcus? That I found men attractive and had been intimate with a couple of guys? Obviously, I would never tell Marcus’s business to anyone without his permission. He’d admitted it to the group, but that was as far as the information would go. I never shared with Grant any details discussed in those meetings, much like he never told me what he spoke about with his therapist, not unless it was requested of him.
Regardless, there was no way in hell I was going to turn Grant’s world upside down, no matter how grown-up he’d sounded lately. I needed to get him through high school and into college. Maybe then I’d be able to think about meeting my other needs with a man or a woman. For now, the idea left me feeling unsettled. I was definitely not ready for anything beyond what my imagination had conjured up this morning.
It wouldn’t be easy to shake our conversation, so getting lost in work would help. It took me ten minutes to drive to the Lakeview Electric Company parking lot. I went to my locker and changed into the company shirt, then asked the office manager for my schedule, which included a handful of corporate offices. I’d always dreamed of working for myself someday, but relying on this steady stream of work had been exactly what I needed these past couple of years. I worked on my own in the field anyway, outside of doubling up on services with coworkers when warranted.
“Do you think you can add a residential stop at the end of your schedule today?” Connie asked.
“What do they need done?” I asked as I read through the paperwork affixed to the clipboard.
“Grounding a few outlets.”
“Sure, that’ll work,” I replied with a smile, then was on my way out the door to the company truck I drove to my appointments.
After a long day of work, we ate pizza for dinner, and then Grant helped with the dishes before getting on his computer, this time to watch a movie.
But at bedtime, he lingered outside the bathroom door as I brushed my teeth, and I could tell he was gearing up to say something.
“What’s up?” I asked.
“I just…I was thinking about our conversation this morning.”
“Grant, I don’t want you to—”
“Wait, let me get it out. No matter what happens, I’ll be cool with it, eventually. I can’t say it won’t be hard for me to accept someone else, but…”
“No need to worry about that for a long time,” I said, and I could see the relief in his gaze.
“Hey, you never know. Going out to dinner or whatever might be good for you.”
“I’ve got you for that,” I countered. “Or my coworkers, or…Marc.”
“Marc is cool,” he said to my utter surprise. “Especially since he gets what we’ve been through. You should hang out with him more often. Invite him over sometime.”
“I’ll take that under advisement. Now go to bed.”
6
Marcus
I was nervous. Why was I so fucking nervous?
Once I left work, I went for a run in the park to work off some of the tension. I showered and changed into my nicest jeans—the pair Carmen always said were her favorite—and a button-down shirt. All while my pulse continued its erratic drumbeat.
I got myself together enough to drive to the destination we’d agreed upon and finally got out of my car. It was only coffee. I could make it through one coffee. I looked around the nearest tables and the booths along the back wall but didn’t see him yet. I waited by the door for five minutes, wondering if I was being ghosted. Then I turned toward the counter to give myself something to do instead of obsessing about being stood up.
