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I’m in a daze. I don’t have a lot of energy. To say that I’m emotionally exhausted is an understatement. I can’t remember the last time I’ve taken a break from ballet for this long. For what it’s worth, my legs feel a lot better now that they’re not constantly under stress.
I stare blankly at the bottom of my mug, finding a little joy in the way the steam lifts and swirls into the air. Slices of chopped ginger float about, both aimless and yet contained. I concentrate on my drink. The slightly bitter taste, the fizzy quality of the ginger, the slowly subsiding bubbliness of my tummy.
After the rough couple of days I’ve had, it’s really nice to have nothing on my mind. I know I have the pressing issue of what I’m going to do about the baby and what that means for everything else in my life, but I’m grateful for this quiet moment. Out of all the things I need right now, it’s a well-deserved break, even if only for a little while.
Someone starts pounding at the front door.
Was I a bad person in another life?
The pounding only gets more frantic, so loud and fast that the frame of the apartment shakes.
Signs are pointing to yes.
I don’t want to bother A-Ma, so I throw the knitted blankets off my lap and set my mug down on the coffee table. I pull the door open quickly to stop whoever it is from making such a racket.
“Can I help y—” The scent of sandalwood hits my nose. Dark brown locks and a devastatingly sharp jaw catch my attention. I can’t bring myself to finish my sentence, too shocked to care. “Nate? What are you doing he—”
He cuts me off with a kiss.
It’s tender, it’s sweet. It’s like I’m dreaming, floating on clouds and unwilling to come back down to earth. Nate cups my face in his big, strong hands, his lips firmly pressed to mine. I grasp at his shirt, clutch the fabric in my fingers to secure a hold on him. I’m afraid that if I let go, he’ll disappear.
My eyes sting with tears. My nose plugs up again, this time because I’m crying. I can’t tell if I’m overjoyed or angry. I’m a mess either way.
Nate is the first to pull away, looking at me with those dark green eyes with such an intense adoration that my brain just can’t process.
“Look,” he starts, “I’ve got a lot to say, so I’m just going to say it. Eve, I— First of all, are you okay?”
“I— Yes, I’m okay.” A little laugh escapes me. It’s weak and a little delirious. “I’m feeling good.”
He nods, eyebrows knitted together. “And the…and the baby? They’re okay?”
I want to scream. I want to laugh. I want to yell at A-Ma because I know she’s the one who told Nate, but I can’t even be mad. I settle for blinking away tears as a smile creeps onto my face.
“Yes,” I half-sob, half-giggle. “Yes, the baby is okay. The doctor says they’re developing very well.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
I suck in a sharp breath through clenched teeth. “I was scared. I am scared.”
“Did you think I wouldn’t be there for you?”
I manage a pathetic shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t know.”
That’s when everything hits me. The fears of the unknown, the stresses that arise from them. I’m so paralyzed by the what ifs that I cry uncontrollably. Every muscle in my body is taut with tension as heavy sobs shake me to my core.
Nate braces me by the elbow and gestures to the couch with his free hand.
“Sit down,” he tells me. “Sit down, let’s talk.”
I shake my head. My skull is seconds away from cracking open.
“Sit down,” he says again, a whisper.
Nate has to guide me because my vision’s so blurry with tears. He sits me down and takes the spot beside me. I manage to reign it in, just enough to let him speak.
“I’m just going to say what I have to say. You just focus on relaxing, Eve.”
I nod. Or at least, I think I do. There’s so much going on that it’s honestly hard to tell which way is up. It’s a good thing my empty puke bucket’s next to my foot.
I might need it.
Nate clasps my hands in his own. It’s the closest to feeling good that I’ve felt all week.
“Eve, I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking a lot. My mother shouldn’t have spoken to you that way. I should have defended you. I shouldn’t have sent you away. Taking her side… Well, I wasn’t. I swear I wasn’t. I reacted poorly, and I sent you away, and I hurt you. And I’m so sorry.”
I force myself to breathe, to process Nate’s words carefully. He sounds sincere and genuine.
“When we first started seeing each other, I didn’t think I’d fall for you as hard as I did. And now I realize…” He licks his lips, casts his eyes down to our joined hands. “Now I realize I don’t want to leave you. Not again.”
