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“Like, this overwhelming feeling of immense terror, seemingly for no reason at all. It’s the fear of fear, not the actual situation. It sounds crazy when I say it out loud like that. But when it’s happening…”
“It must be scary for you.”
“It is. It’s destroying my self-confidence – imagine feeling afraid all the time of just regular things like walking down the street and being on the subway. It’s like he’s still tormenting me even though he doesn’t know where I am.”
“But it’s your own fear that’s the problem now, though? Not Simon.”
“Yeah…” She lifted her head and gazed at his kind face. “You seem to understand what I’m saying.”
“I’m trying to.”
“It’s so nice to be able to talk to you. It’s a relief to tell someone, because it’s the shame of it that keeps it alive – I know I seem like a confident businesswoman, but inside I’m dealing with the random assault of terror on myself– so I try and hide it, pretending it’s not happening. But that makes it worse. I haven’t really told anyone else. I trust you for some reason… I don’t know why.”
She smiled into his eyes, feeling her defenses fall away. It felt wonderful to be vulnerable with another person, rather than trying to be hard and in control all the time.
He caressed her face. “You’ve nothing to be ashamed of, Astrid. He should be ashamed of himself for doing this to you.”
“I’m just so glad he doesn’t know where I live. But sometimes I get the feeling I’m being followed – then when I turn around, there’s no one there. I think I’m going crazy!”
He kissed her on the head. “You’re not crazy. In fact, I think you’re one of the most amazing women I’ve ever met.”
She smiled shyly. “Thanks.”
“Guys like Simon don’t deserve to have a woman like you in their life. Guys who bully women are the lowest scum of the earth.”
“Thank you for saying that, Jake. But – I’ve thought about this a lot – and I guess Simon’s holding onto so much pain himself – he’s told me things about his own past that would make you understand why he behaves like that. I’m not saying it’s okay for him to treat me or anyone badly. But it helps me to move on if I can create some understanding. You see what I’m saying?”
“Yeah, I see what you’re saying – you’re nicer than I am.”
She laughed at his self-depreciation. “We’re all just acting out the traumas of our pasts, aren’t we?”
“Maybe. I guess we must all have these dark things from our past we’re protecting, huh?”
“You have a dark past?”
“Sweetheart, there are things about me you won’t like at all. Things to really be ashamed of.”
She opened her mouth to ask him to elaborate, but he kissed her on the lips.
“I’d love to see you lose control in pleasure now,” he said. “To counteract the bad dream.”
She grinned. “Again?”
“You don’t want to?”
“Oh yeah, I definitely do!”
“Well, come here then, beautiful…”
Chapter Seven
Jake woke up early the next morning and gazed at Astrid as she slept peacefully in a shaft of dawn sunlight. His heart filled with affection – but it twisted with sadness knowing he had to leave. He wanted to kiss her, but he didn’t want an awkward ‘goodbye’, so he eased himself out of bed, left her a note, then went back to his place to shower and shave.
Satisfied he looked half-decent, he left for work, with the words he’d written for her running over in his head. He parked the car and made his way along the busy sunshine-filled sidewalk toward Quinlan Brothers headquarters, wondering how she’d react…
Astrid, there’s something I need to take care of out of town, but we’ll see each other again. Here’s my number…
He knew it was the most unromantic note in the history of love letters, but he wanted to go find his fortune – to get that out of his system – then come back and tell her the truth about everything he’d been up to. Obviously she wasn’t going to like it, but he’d try to make her understand. He still believed that he wasn’t the guy she was looking for, but she was the woman he wanted… Perhaps somehow they could make this work.
