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That was where the crackers came in. If I didn’t get out of bed first thing and instead ate some crackers, it took just a couple of minutes for the feeling to subside, and I could go on my way. I ate a couple of them, enjoying the bit of a bite that came from the addition of black pepper. If there were going to be any similarities between my pregnancies, my days with the black pepper and anything else even vaguely spicy for that matter were numbered.
Heartburn struck fast and furious during the end of the first trimester and beginning of the second, sometimes hurting so much it literally took my breath away. I had a feeling pumping myself full of spicy food wasn’t going to do me any favors in that area. But they were delicious, so I’d just keep them coming until the burn hit, and then I’d nurse some milk and get back on track.
I finished my crackers and got out of bed, heading for Olly’s room for his first wake-up of the day. All my hopes for him being accustomed to getting up early and possibly not having a hard time with it anymore were gone by the second day of me being back to work. I was still glad I’d done all the preparation. With as hard as it was to pry him out of bed now, I shuddered to think of what it would be like if I’d just let him sleep as late as he wanted every day and then suddenly started waking him up early.
I went to the bathroom and then went back into Olly’s room for a second round of trying to rouse him. Like usual, it felt like the battle over the morning was never going to end, but we eventually made it to Deana’s house. Rather than the house smelling like rich, dark coffee like usually woke me up in the morning, it smelled like tea and honey.
Avoiding my coffee in the morning wasn’t my favorite thing so far about this pregnancy. In a cruel twist of fate, I craved it like crazy. Deana insisted on not having it at all if I couldn’t have it, which I appreciated. We tried decaf for one day. There was a time in my life when I might have been able to tolerate it. Not anymore. I probably imagined how much I could taste the difference, but it was like trying to swallow down mud, and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again.
Instead, it was tea in the mornings when I went to drop Olly off for the day. Getting back to the routine had been really good for me. I not only enjoyed being back at work and no longer just rattling around the house all day, but the steadiness had helped a lot with my anger and disappointment at the situation with Finn.
The night she came over, I told her everything. My best friend and I talked through the whole situation, and she emphasized she didn’t think I needed to give up on Finn totally. Or that I should.
She was positive Finn and I had just encountered miscommunication after miscommunication during our dinner. It wasn’t that things were actually bad between us. It was just that we needed to lay everything on the table and work it out.
Especially the situation with the pregnancy. I still hadn’t told Finn about the baby. It was gnawing at me. He deserved to know, and the thought of having another child who didn’t know his father was really getting to me. I needed to tell Finn. Deana insisted on it. But I wasn’t sure.
We hadn’t spoken in a full week. Not so much as a check-in text. Nothing at all. It felt awful. But it also felt like now was not the time for me to try to slip that kind of life-changing news into Finn’s life. Revealing a man was going to be a father was a delicate situation, and just springing it on him wasn’t going to have a good result.
Not to mention it was hurting me deep inside that he had apparently so easily just snipped me out of his life. I needed to work through those feelings before I could open myself up to any kind of co-parenting situation.
That gray morning, Deana plied me with mint tea and whole-grain English muffins spread with butter until all those little nooks glistened before asking about him. I just shook my head. She gave me an encouraging squeeze, and I finished eating, kissed Olly, and headed out for work before I could let the emotions take over.
The weather was threatening to turn nasty soon, so we were being cautious in our plans for the day. I was having a hands-on surveying lesson to reinforce everything from my book sessions with Gerry and was looking forward to applying what I’d learned. I hoped the storm that was obviously on its way would hold off until I’d gotten to do at least a little bit.
