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“I was honest with you,” he adds. “I wanted a woman to present to my aunt who she would fall in love with. And that’s really all it was about. Everything else that came with it, well that wasn’t part of the plan.”
I am inclined to believe him. Alex isn’t the sort of man who makes grand gestures, but he is the sort who gets what he wants. If I’m really honest I’ll have to admit that if he just wanted to have sex with me, he could have had me on day one. I bite my lip. Now is the perfect opportunity for me to make clear that we should go back to being employer and employee until I get my head straight. I’ve become too confused. I can’t even think straight when he is around. I’m just about to tell him, when he says, “Look, now might be the time to tell you this. It’s what I wanted to tell you when I … uh … ordered you to come to my room.”
“Oh, okay.”
“This is confidential information. No one knows except Valeriya and me. I’m telling you because it would seem strange to Babushka if I don’t tell my own fiancée something so important.”
I stare at him curiously.
“Babushka is dying. Eight years ago, she was told she had cancer of the saliva glands. At that time, she decided that she didn’t want to go the chemo route. She had lived a long and fruitful life and she wanted to live her life here peacefully until it was time to go. The cancer has been spreading slowly. Her pain meds have been increasing steadily, but now her doctor has told her that she might have a year left, if she is lucky. Once it gets in her lungs she will suffer greatly and succumb to the disease.”
My mouth drops open. “Oh, Alex. I’m so sorry,” I whisper. Suddenly my shallow preoccupation with myself seems obnoxious and selfish. Now I understand why he was willing to give away half a casino for the right girl to play the part.
Alex doesn’t say anything for a few seconds. His face is a mask, but his eyes give away the turmoil inside of him. Then he says, “Babushka doesn’t want anyone else in her family to know so please don’t tell anyone.”
“Of course not. I know this is not much consolation, but I’ll do everything in my power to make sure your aunt thinks we are the happiest couple in the world,” I say.
Alex rests his elbows on his knees and looks down. I know he is in pain and he doesn’t want me to see it. This is the way he deals with pain. He goes into himself.
I can feel tears burning in my eyes and almost feel the pain of the little boy he once was. How he let the pain of losing his parents fester away, how he shut himself off emotionally and then couldn’t find his way back out of the prison he had created for himself.
For the first time, I feel like I am able to read Alex clearly, and I feel it deep inside me that every word he spoke was the truth.
I take a few steps forward and put my hand on his shoulder. He freezes.
I crouch down and press my lips against his. He resists me at first, but then he responds, kissing me passionately. His hands push into my hair and I wrap my arms around his waist, pulling myself closer to him, trying to kiss his pain away. Our kiss is salty, the taste of tears, and although I keep my eyes closed, and don’t look, I don’t think the tears are just mine.
Alex
As I lead Cindy back to the stables, part of me is still in shock. I can’t believe I opened up to her. She is the first human being I’ve allowed into my inner world since my parents died. She squeezes my hand and I squeeze back. I feel like the beast who is undone by the little child.
She looks up at me and beams. And I beam back.
We reach the stables and Boris waves. Earlier, I had one of the staff instruct him to have Nikita and Milan ready for a ride so they are both standing in the courtyard, saddled up and ready to go.
I stand back while Cindy climbs onto Nikita. Even after just one ride she is already so much more confident. I get onto Milan and turn to Cindy. “Are you ready to go or do you want to do a few laps of the courtyard to get a feel for Nikita again?”
“I’m ready to go,” she replies excitedly.
Her cheeks are flushed with excitement and her smile is full of childlike innocence. It is clear she loves riding. I have definitely rekindled an old love within her. She needs a horse of her own. A gentle mare.
