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“I think of them all the time,’ I whispered.
“I don’t,” she said harshly.
“Do you know Dad always loved you best? No matter how hard I tried to make him love me more, he always loved you best.”
She killed her cigarette in an ashtray overflowing with cigarettes and looked away from me. “I don’t want to talk about the past.”
“Why? Are you afraid Dad is looking down on you?”
She whirled her head around. “If you have come here to ask me whether you can keep Jess, you’re going about it the wrong way.”
“Jess is twenty-five percent Dad, Denise. If he is looking, he would have been proud of her. He would never ever give her up for adoption. He would have said, she’s the child of my child. My favorite child.”
“You’re so full of bullshit,” she said, but her voice sounded odd.
“Do you know, Denise that Jess will probably never have a boyfriend, never marry, be in and out of hospital all through her childhood, and she leaves this world before she’s thirty.”
She stood up and started pacing the small space.
I went on, “I just want to give her what we never had. I want to give her a home. I want to protect her so she won’t be raped by a stranger the way you were while she is moving through the care system. Do you know how many children disappear while they’re in the care system in this country, Denise?”
She ran her hands through her badly bleached hair distractedly.
“She’s our flesh and blood, Denise. Part of Dad and Mom and you and me. She belongs with us.”
“You can’t afford to keep her.”
“I’ll manage. I’ve managed so far.”
“How?”
“The same way we all have to. One way or another, we manage.”
“Are you on food stamps?”
I shook my head. “I work two jobs.”
She sat down and dropped her head into her hands.
“Please, Denise. Don’t let her go into the same system that caused you so much suffering.”
She turned to me. “I let him rape me so he wouldn’t touch you, you know.”
I crouched next to her and touched her thin arm. “Oh, Denise. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. You can’t begin to imagine how sorry I am.”
“Every fucking night,” she howled. “I protected you.”
“I know you did and now it’s my turn to do something for you. Let me protect and take care of your baby the way you did for me. It’s only right. No one will hurt her while I am alive.”
She nodded fiercely and I knew she was trying to stop herself from crying. “All right. You keep her. You keep her safe, you hear? I protected you. Now you protect her.”
“I will. I promise I will protect her with my own life.”
“I’m such a mess.”
“You know how I remember you? I remember you climbing higher up the tree than anyone else. Even the boys.”
A small smile played on her lips. “I was fearless, wasn’t I?”
“That’s still inside you, Denise. You can be that again. Nobody can take that away from you. No one.”
She sniffed. “What happened to your face?”
I grinned. “You want the long version or the short one?”
“I want the long one, Della-Ray.”
So I told her about the kidnapping and the bikers.
Then for the first time in years, she reached out and touched my face. “I’m really glad you came today,” she whispered.
“I’m really glad I came too.”
“I’m gonna make some changes in my life, Della-Ray. I’m gonna make some changes.”
My eyes filled with tears of joy.
Della Ray
One month later
-you look wonderful tonight-
“Okay, that’s the last thing unloaded,” Nichole said.
“Great. I’ll start unpacking Jess’s stuff first.”
“No, you won’t.”
I looked at her curiously. “What do you mean?”
“I mean. You are going on an all-night-dirty-stop-out date and I am unpacking and babysitting Jess.”
I put my hands on my hips. “What are you talking about?”
“Come on. We got to get you ready. We only have an hour.”
She looked so full of mischief I followed her into the room that was going to be my bedroom. She opened the box marked Date Night and to my surprise, the chiffon Zimmerman was in it. She pulled it out. “Remember this? Gage called me and asked if he could buy it off me. I had no problem saying yes because A … you look so much better in it than me and B … how can you say no to a man that is being so freaking romantic.”
I stared at Nichole in shock.
“He wanted you to wear this tonight. He said he wanted to show you off in the dress because the last time he missed it and he has regretted it ever since. He also said you looked so beautiful in it and it was what kept him alive through the pain and heartache. Oh, and he said can you please do your hair exactly the same as the last time and wear the same shoes too?”
