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Everything weighed me down as I walked down the school hallway and toward my locker. I had to pass Cade’s classroom on the way, but I tried not to look because, if I did, I wouldn’t be able to keep the mask on my face I’d perfected since yesterday.
I was doing this for him. I was making sure my demons didn’t catch him because he didn’t need my darkness in his life. So I’d do what I always did. I’d pretend everything was okay. I’d go to class, I’d run on the track, and I’d be the best student I could be.
We were only three months into the school year and already so much had happened. Life could change in an instant. I knew that better than anyone else, which was why I was doing all of this. I wouldn’t let Cade take the fall for something we’d both taken part in.
I opened up my locker, put my books away, and grabbed my lunch. Any other time, I would have met Hope, and we would have sat under the bleachers, but things had changed—I’d changed them. I’d cut everyone off. I’d pushed Hope away, scared she’d see through everything that was happening, but now it was time I fixed what I’d broken.
Pulling in a deep breath, I pushed through the students milling in the hallway and kept my head high as I moved closer to Hope’s locker. I had no doubt she wouldn’t let me get by easily. I had some explaining to do, but I wasn’t sure how much I’d actually divulge. I couldn’t tell her everything. I couldn’t tell her what I’d been doing to myself, but I could skirt around it. I could amend what I was telling her and give her the cut-down version.
I swallowed as I halted behind her. “Hope?” Her back straightened at the sound of my voice, her shoulders pulling back, but she didn’t turn to face me. “Please, Hope. Can we talk? I’m…I’m sorry.”
She slammed her locker door closed and spun around. “Sorry? Are you serious right now, Aria?” I opened my mouth to reply, but she didn’t give me the chance. “You’ve flat-out ignored me for weeks, and now you think you can just come up to me and say sorry and everything will be okay?”
“I…” I frowned as a sinking feeling washed through me. Her face was angry, but that didn’t hurt. It was the sadness echoing in her eyes that gutted me completely. “I’m really sorry, Hope. I’ve had some things going on and—”
“Like what? Knocking Jasmine out?” She crossed her arms over her chest. “You could have told me you were going to do that. I didn’t even get to see it.”
My brow rose, my lip quirking at the corner. I wasn’t sure how this was going to end, but the fact she was pissed about what had happened with Jasmine was a good sign. “You’re mad because you didn’t get to witness me hit her?”
“Hell yes, I am! She deserved it, and I missed it.” She threw her hands up in the air. “What the heck happened, Aria?”
I blinked several times, knowing exactly what had happened. I was trying to feel something—anything—and I had for a few minutes. When Jasmine had hit me back, she’d allowed everything to come rushing forward. It had only been a glimpse, much like yesterday with Cade, but it was enough to keep me going.
“I’m not even sure where to start,” I told Hope, genuinely not knowing. She was my best friend, but I hadn’t treated her like one. I’d let her fall by the wayside and allowed myself to drown in my own sadness instead of reaching out to her. I hadn’t been able to perfect my mask, but now I didn’t have a choice. “Can we go to the bleachers and I’ll explain?”
Hope narrowed her eyes at me, and I wiped my sweaty palms on the side of my jeans. She was making me nervous with her long pauses. I hoped she would give me the chance to explain, not only because she was my best friend, but because I missed her. I missed her constant rambling. I missed how she’d distract me.
“Fine.” She puffed out a breath. “But don’t think you’re forgiven. I expect the full story, missy.” She pointed at me in warning, and I nodded. I’d tell her as much as I could without destroying myself in the process. “Come on,” she said, her voice sounding bored, but I could see the small lift of her lips as she spun around.
Hope was a forgiving person, sometimes too forgiving. I’d witnessed over the years when she’d let things go and forgave people too soon—like her own parents—and I’d told her she shouldn’t keep doing it. She needed to put her guard up sometimes. The problem with Hope was she never had her guard up, and now, it would help me. Her being so forgiving would allow me to be her friend again.
We walked side by side down the hall and out into the quad. Cheerleaders and football players were being rowdy, but for what felt like the first time, we went by unnoticed. Not one of them looked at us, and none of them said a word. We were invisible.
The track and field were empty, but I couldn’t stop my gaze from wandering over to Cade’s office windows. I couldn’t tell if there was anyone in there, but I didn’t need to remember what we’d done inside those four walls. The way he’d touched me. The way he’d kissed me. The way he’d made me feel—like I was the only person in the entire world he cared about. There was nothing like it, and I was under no illusion I’d ever feel that way again, not without Cade.
“Hey!” Hope’s hand waved in front of my face. Her head turned to see where I was staring, and then she looked back at me. “Hmmm…I think someone needs to start talking.” She raised her brows, waiting for me.
I swallowed and nodded. I did need to start talking. I needed to tell someone what was going on. I needed to share what I’d done and the way I felt. I needed my best friend.
“Come on.” I grabbed her wrist and searched around us, making sure no one would be able to hear us, and then pulled us under the bleachers. There was a reason we found this spot—for its inclusion. No one would know we were here, and more importantly, they wouldn’t be able to hear.
We both settled on the dying grass, and I placed my lunch on my lap. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to eat, not until I told Hope everything I could. “I lost my virginity,” I blurted out at the same time she was taking a drink of her water.
Water spurted out of her mouth as she choked, her eyes watering as she stared at me. “Holy shit, Aria. Give a girl some warning.”
My cheeks burned. “Sorry. I just needed to get it out.” I let my shoulders sag, already feeling like some of the weight had been lifted off them.
Hope blinked and then her brows lowered. “Wait, wait”—she held her hand up—“you need to start from the beginning.”
I bit down on my bottom lip and looked above me to the underside of the bleachers. I wasn’t really sure what the beginning was. I suppose it all started with my dad—all roads seemed to start and end with him. “So…I met Cade when I was eight—”
“Cade?” Hope shouted as she dived at me and grasped my arms. “As in Mr. Easton?” Her eyes were as wide as saucers, her mouth opening and closing like a fish.
“I…yeah.” I pulled in a breath and held my hand up so she wouldn’t interrupt me. She slowly backed away, so I continued, “I had a huge crush on him back then, but I hadn’t seen him since I was thirteen. And then he just…turned up here.” My pulse thrummed when I thought about the first time I’d seen him in class. I had no idea we’d end up where we were now. “We…I…damn, I can’t even explain it. I fell in love with him, Hope. I…he…”
“Oh my god, you’re having an affair with a teacher.” She slapped her hand over her mouth and looked around us. “This is so scandalous.” Her lips spread into a wide grin her hand couldn’t cover.
“Was,” I told her. “I was.” I cleared my throat, determined to be able to get this all out. “Long story short, he ended it and then a load of crap happened.” I blew out a breath and started to mark things off with my fingers. “Mom and Sal got engaged, I got into a fight with Jasmine, we moved from the apartment and into a new house, and then…” My eyes filled with tears at the finality of what had happ
