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The yogurt slipped from my fingers, colliding with the floor, and splashing everywhere, but I didn’t move from the spot I was in. My gaze was only focused on the date, the numbers two and seven staring back at me, threatening to knock me over.
My shaking fingers reached for the calendar, and I yanked at it, ripping half of the month in the process, but I didn’t care. It was all there for me to see, and I’d forgotten. I’d forgotten.
“Daddy?” I didn’t shout because he never liked me to raise my voice. He said the loud noises scared him, but I wasn’t sure he’d be able to hear me from here. “Daddy?” I said a second time, hearing another bang coming from the living room. He’d sent me to my room while he was pacing, but there was something different about the way he had been talking—something that had me on edge.
I pushed the handle down on my bedroom door and stepped out of my room and into the hallway. I needed to be as quiet as I could, so I tiptoed toward the living room.
I gasped, the calendar falling from my hands. Today. It was ten years today, and I’d forgotten. My heart raced in my chest, making it hard for me to catch my breath. I couldn’t breathe. The air was stuck in my lungs, not willing to come out.
My hand collided with the wall as I tried to move out of the kitchen, but it was too much. The world started to spin and wouldn’t stop. I needed out of here, I needed to be alone. I pushed my shoulders back, telling myself all I needed was to make it back to Cade’s bedroom then it would all be okay, because when I was in there, I could make it all better.
I managed to get halfway up the stairs and had to close my eyes to try and right myself, but it was a mistake.
His mumbling was getting louder, and as I peeked into the living room, I could see him sitting in his chair, holding something in his hand. What was he holding?
“Daddy?” I whispered, but when he didn’t answer me, I took a step inside the room. He didn’t hear me call him. He never seemed to hear me when he needed to the most.
My eyes flung open and I crawled up the rest of the stairs. It was too much. Everything was too much. I knew what I needed—what I always needed when this happened. I had to try and push the memories aside until then. Finally, I stumbled inside Cade’s bedroom and slammed the door behind me. My eyes widened as I stared around, spotting my bag on the floor.
My case. I needed my case.
I flicked the lock on the door, needing to be alone, and then darted for the case. It held my salvation—a salvation I hadn’t needed in what felt like forever. In reality, it hadn’t been long at all.
“I can’t do it anymore,” Daddy whispered, his voice so broken I could feel it in every inch of my body. A tear slid down his cheek, and I moved closer to him. All he needed was a hug. It would make him not so sad. When Mommy hugged me, I always felt better.
“It’s okay, Daddy,” I said, my voice low. I glanced down to his lap and what he was holding, then halted. I knew exactly what it was because he’d made me hold it to his head a couple of months ago. I’d pulled on it several times, but nothing had happened.
I sat on the edge of the bed and unzipped the case, finally able to take a full breath as the blades came into view. My fingertips dragged over the cool metal, and my pulse started to slow, the whirring in my ears not as bad.
“I’m sorry,” Daddy said, and finally he looked up at me. His sad eyes were filled with tears, and he didn’t stop them as he lifted his head.
“Daddy?”
“I’m sorry, sweetie.” His words were broken, his hand shaking, but I didn’t understand. Why was he saying sorry? He hadn’t done anything wrong.
I plucked one of the blades out and pressed it against my ankle. It was the first piece of skin I could see, so I pushed it against the soft skin on the inside. The scratch of the blade had a gasp escaping my lips, but it wasn’t enough—not today.
The lights glinted off the metal as he raised it to his head, but it would be okay. Nothing would happen, just like last time.
A second ticked by, and then another one, the third one was met with a bang so loud I covered my ears from the sound. But I wished I hadn’t. I wished I would have covered my eyes as the bullet tore through his head. Blood splattered behind him, and over the wall, the red a stark contrast to the light color Mommy had painted it.
My heart beat fast as his head slumped, his hand dropping to his lap with his gun still attached to his palm.
“Daddy?” I stepped forward, feeling the tears sliding down my cheeks. “Daddy!”
Tears flowed down my cheeks, a waterfall which couldn’t be stopped as I dug the blade in harder. I gritted my teeth as the red flowed out of the cut, fascinated with how fast it was spurting out, but finally, it was enough.
Finally, the images of my dad dissipated.
Finally, I could breathe.
Finally, I could close my eyes and not see his pale face and lifeless eyes.
* * *
CADE
I rolled my head to the side, my tired eyes still firmly closed, but the roar of Dad’s engine was keeping me awake. I’d spent the last ten hours on a flight home from France, and although I’d lost six hours of my life flying there, I’d gained it back today. Jet lag was a bitch—a bitch which was laying me on my ass. I felt like I could sleep for a week, and the only thing keeping me awake was the thought of seeing Aria.
