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I manage to get to her side as she finally says, “Tell them I love them every day, don’t let them forget about me.”
“No,” I choke out.
“I love you... Tris.”
I stumble back, coming to a stop as her eyes close with exhaustion, and I scream her name, needing her to come back to me. I can’t do this on my own, I can’t.
I stand in the middle of the hospital hallway, watching them push through another set of doors, ripping her away from me. From us.
“Sir? We need consent to try and save your wife—”
I face the woman who holds a clipboard out to me, signing my name hastily where she points before saying, “Don’t try... Do.” I swallow, finally whispering, “Save her. Please.”
“We’ll do our best,” she replies, running down the hallway, her sneakers leaving tread marks of blood behind.
I eventually manage to tear my eyes away from the double doors, my gaze moving down to the small baby that is nuzzled up against my chest. She moves her head and I trail my hand down her cheek as her eyes open. As soon as I see her blue eyes—the exact same as Natalia’s— my breath catches in my throat.
I have to swallow against the bubbling emotion that rips through me like a tornado. I have to be strong right now; strong for her and strong for the little boy waiting at home.
I trail my finger down her cheek. “You have your mommy’s eyes,” I whisper.
Her head moves to the side before her eyes flutter shut and I watch as she falls asleep, not knowing the chaos that has happened in the first few minutes of her life.
I can tell that he’s not in the room with me as he recounts his memory, not leaving out any small detail. I can hardly see through the blur of tears that are continuously pouring out of my eyes as he slips down the wall and onto the floor, his head down as he clutches it in his hands.
I stand, the sound of the chair gaining his attention as he whips his head up. “They couldn’t save her,” he cries. “I was left with a newborn baby, not knowing what to do when they came to tell me that she was gone: that I was a widower and a single dad to a toddler and a baby.”
My hand cups my mouth and I slide onto the floor in front of him feeling and seeing every ounce of heartbreak. “I’m so, so sorry, Tris.” I don’t have anything else to say; nothing that will take his pain away anyway.
“I… I needed you to understand what happened.” He hiccups a sob. “The last time I held a baby in my arms at a hospital and machines started to beep like that.” His hand comes out, reaching for me, but he lets it drop mid-air, thinking better of it. “I couldn’t see past it all, Harm.”
I still stand by what I said: he should’ve talked to me, we could’ve gone somewhere and talked through all of this. But right now I feel like the worst person in the world for putting this on him. “I… I understand why it was so hard. I never should’ve pushed you to go in there.” I turn my head away from him, muttering, “So stupid,” under my breath.
“No.” His voice is firm, the same as his hand that cups my chin, bringing my face back to face him. “You’re not stupid. You didn’t know, how could you have?” He leans forward, tears streaming down his face as he whispers, “I should have trusted you.”
“There’s a lot of things we should or could’ve done differently, Tris.” I pull away and lean against my desk, playing with my hands. “Maybe this is the universe's way of saying that we aren’t meant to be together.”
/> A lone tear slips down my cheek and he reaches over, wiping it away with his thumb. “Or maybe it’s the universe’s way of bringing us back together again. Don’t you think we deserve to be happy?” His eyes shine with sorrow. “Neither of us have had it easy. I saw the way you were with that baby. I know your heart is in pain too.”
Another tear falls at his statement. “I want to be a mom more than anything in this world. Being with those babies both breaks and mends my shattered heart.”
He pulls me toward him, wrapping his arms around me as he pulls me up onto his lap, holding me as we both let it all out: the pain, the sorrow, the loss.
Neither of us move for what feels like hours as we take comfort in each other, mixing our pain together and freeing it all at the same time. My eyes start to feel heavy and I pull back, looking up into his sad gray eyes.
I don’t say anything as we’re caught in each other’s gaze and he leans forward, stopping a couple of centimeters from my lips, asking for silent permission.
I push forward, pressing mine against his softly before pulling away and dipping my head into that space between his neck and shoulder that has always fit me perfectly. I bring my knees up to my chest, letting him hold me how he used to when I was upset.
My breaths slow down the longer he holds me, making me feel safe inside his arms. My eyes start to close but spring back open as I feel movement as he pulls something out of his pocket.
“Don’t go... I don’t want you to go.”
He smiles softly, pressing a button on his cellphone and saying, “A? Can you get up with the kids in the morning, please?” She says something back to him and he nods his head before saying, “Thank you, see you tomorrow,” and looking down at me as he lets his cellphone drop to the floor with a soft thud. “No, sunshine. I’m not going anywhere.”
Emile Sande—Sweet Architect
The Fray—You Found Me
