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Where is she?
The room starts to spin and my breaths come in short bursts as I hear someone whisper-shout my name. I ignore them, not being able to take my eyes off the huge man standing at the front.
“I’m taking over from Mrs. Gill for the rest of the year,” he continues, running his hand through his slicked back hair and adjusting his shirt cuffs.
I tap my pen three times and lift my things off the table, shoving them into my bag. I can’t stay in this class, not with him teaching it.
I lift up off the chair and stand, ready to get out of here and never come back to this lecture.
“Is everything okay, Miss...” I stare with wide eyes as he looks over at me, my mouth opening and closing like a fish. I desperately want to say something, anything, but no matter how many times I try to answer him, nothing comes out.
Instead, I do what I do best and ignore him, looking down at the floor instead. Throwing my bag over my shoulder, I shuffle past the three people at the end of the row and down the couple of steps.
“Erm... Miss?”
Ignoring him a second time, I pull the door open and just as I’m about to step through, his hand comes down on my arm.
I whimper at his touch, not having felt this out of control in so long.
I hate it, hate how my body and mind reacts to a new person. It shouldn’t matter that a new person has taken over this class, it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is.
“Sir,” I hear coming from behind me. “She’s not well.”
I flick my eyes up to Jess, thanking her silently.
I never expected to find a friend like her, she was so different to what I always thought girls like her were. Being head cheerleader always came with this ready-made persona but she had broken the mold. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t know where I would have been this last year.
“And you are?” he asks, his hand still on my arm.
Squirming to try and move away from him, I look to Jess, the panic obvious on my face.
“I’m her roommate.” She smiles, taking my hand and pulling me out of the room and out from under his grip.
We don’t stop walking until we’re out of the building and almost half way back to our little apartment.
“Girl, you need to calm down,” she says, squeezing my hand.
“I... I know,” I huff and roll my eyes at myself.
This isn’t how I’m supposed to be. I’m supposed to be strong, confident and independent. Except, I’m none of those things and no matter how much I long to be, I can’t help but feel like I’ll never be that person who can walk in a room and sit anywhere, who can talk to anyone even if I’ve never met them before.
“Come on, let’s get you back and make you some tea.”
Tea.
I hate the stuff but Elena says it’s good for calming your nerves.
I drink it by the bucket load and my nerves are still shot.
I lay staring at the same spot on the wall wishing for sleep to take me.
There’s nothing worse than being in bed ready to sleep the night away and not being able to rid your mind of all the whirling thoughts.
I’ve got better over the last year and a half, at first it was every night. I’d go several nights without any sleep and then when I finally got to sleep, I’d be woken by the sound of my own pleas for him to stop.
Slowly, I got better and would only suffer with the insomnia a couple of times a week. Now it’s only a couple of times a month, at most.
I’ve tried everything that I can think of to battle it. Having a lavender bath, staying up when I felt like I could sleep to try and trick my brain. I even tried sleeping pills once and I swore I would never do that again. I didn’t like how out of control they made me feel. Once I have one there’s no chance I will wake up, which is a good thing, but not when I have no control over my own body.
