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I turn back to him and for once in my life I feel like I can take him on, stand up for myself and not take his shit.
I walk towards him, breathing out of my mouth, not wanting to smell him. Knowing that he’ll smell of dirt and grime and the scent that his pores leave as he sweats out the drugs. It brings back too many memories and I have to concentrate really hard so they don’t flood back.
I stand in front of him and wait for him to move but when he doesn’t, I squint my eyes at him and grit out, “Move.”
“I need money,” he says, barely able to stand.
After these last few years without him, I can really see just how toxic he is. Maybe him giving me away to cover his drug debts was a good thing. After all, it did lead me to the family that I have now.
I frown as I start to think what would have happened if he hadn’t given me away. Would I be a druggie myself? Possible selling myself on the streets so I can pay for my next hit.
I shake the images from my head, grimacing.
Even though I’ve been through a lot, maybe I was meant to so that I could have a better life?
What he did that day could quite possibly be the only thing that he ever did right as my father.
“Not my problem.” I shrug and tilt my head at him. “Now, move.”
He stares at me and what he must see tells him that I’m being deadly serious because he stands up straighter and smirks. “I have some people after me, Ava, they know about you and say that they’ll come for you.”
I scoff and step back knowing that he isn’t going to move anytime soon and needing to move away from him because he’s making my skin crawl. “As if that’s ever bothered you before.”
He clears his throat and goes to take a step forward, stumbling and grabbing on to the closest desk and chair, leaning on it. “I never wanted to do that.”
Jesus, he looks pathetic. It’s funny how time apart from someone can make you see things from a different perspective. There was a time that I wanted to help him get better and I know that deep down, I’d like him to do that now but I can see that it will never happen.
I don’t have my dream hat on anymore, the one that makes you think anything is possible and that you can do anything if you put your mind to it. Whoever said that obviously didn’t have a junkie for a dad. Nope, my realistic hat is well and truly glued to my head now and it means I see him for what he is. The pathetic liar that only looks out for himself.
“Yeah, well here’s the thing,” I sneer and move in front of him knowing that I can exit now that he’s moved. “You did give me away and you’ll never know what happened to me in that place, the things they did to me.” I grit my teeth, stopping myself from saying anything more, not only did he not care but he doesn’t deserve to know.
I walk away, stopping in the doorway and turn my head back around to him. “And that’s all on you. Stay the hell away from me.”
I don’t hang around to see what he’s about to say, I walk straight out of the room and when I know I’m past the windows to the lecture hall, I run.
My pulse is racing and I need to expel the energy that’s flowing through my veins so when I get to my apartment, I throw on my gym kit and walk to the gym. I nod at Clare and make my way straight to the treadmill, needing to run it off.
It’s ironic how, in effect, I’m running away from my troubles, just like I used to do but I’d rather do this than call Charlie and tell him that my dad’s been in touch.
He told me when I first moved in with Elena that he’d got a restraining order on him. He’s not meant to come within so many meters of me. Now knowing that he has an inside contact at the college, doesn’t sit well with me.
I need to see the Dean.
Maybe telling him what has been going on and how much Thomas freaks me out will help. I don’t want to move classes but if I have to, just so that I can be out of there, then I will.
One thing is for sure, I’m definitely not going to be telling Corey. He’s the only person that knows exactly what went on that day and he knows that it was all down to my dad.
I can see now, years later, that what happened should be seen as a positive but it doesn’t mean I don’t suffer any less.
I may not have nightmares about it anymore or have to hide away because every little sound makes me have a panic attack but it was all still there. Inside my head.
I know that I’ll never be able to get rid of what that man did to me but I can try my hardest to turn it on its head and take control of the matter, and that’s exactly what I intend to do. That is, as soon as I’ve burned off all my excess energy.
Pacing from one length of the hallway to the other in my apartment, I wait for Ava to turn up. Daley called earlier and told me there’s been a change in plans. Things have moved to the states so me and the team are needed sooner. The good thing is that I won’t be away as long, a few weeks at most which is a massive plus because I really don’t want to be away from Ava for longer than I have to.
Daley has hardly told me any details, which is normal because you never know who’s listening so I won’t know the ins and outs until we meet at the safe house. I don’t worry about the job or what I have to do. What I do worry about is telling Ava.
We both know that it comes as part of the territory but how we handle it is yet to be seen, I just really fuckin’ hope that we can pick up where we left off when I get back.
