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I just want to be me, Ava.
I swallow and thank Daley when he passes me a glass of water, gulping it down to relieve my dry throat. “When can I go home?” I ask, trying to hold back the tears that desperately want to break free.
I don’t want to be in this place anymore, I want to be at home and I want to be able to sleep in my own bed. I want to be able to sit and stare at the wall in my own room and not worry about people watching me through a window.
“I... err...” I see him tilt his head to the window and a couple of seconds later Corey comes in followed by Elena.
“What’s happened?” Corey asks, his face panicked.
He comes closer, his hand automatically finding mine and squeezing gently. “Hey,” I whisper, lifting my lips into a forced smile.
“Hey, Birdie.”
His eyes hold mine, there are so many emotions staring back at me that I have to look away briefly to center myself. “I want to go home.” I look back at him, begging him with my eyes.
He tilts his head as he watches me and flicks his eyes to Daley.
“We can get her out.” I turn to him just in time to see him pull his cell out.
“Hey, honey,” Elena says softly, coming to stand on my other side. “How are you feeling?” Her hand reaches out to me but stops halfway, thinking better of it.
“I’ll be better when I’m home,” I say on a huff. “This place stinks.” I shuffle in the bed. “I need a shower,” I say to no one in particular.
“You had one this morning.” Corey smirks.
I look away, not wanting to tell him that if I could shower every hour then I would. I’m dirty, so dirty, and I feel like I’ll never be clean again. It doesn’t matter how many times I scrub my skin or how red it becomes, I can still feel him on me, in me.
“All set,” Daley announces, bouncing back into the room.
I breathe a sigh of relief for the interruption and start to lift up out of the bed, ignoring all of their hands that are trying to help me.
“I can do it,” I say, gritting my teeth and then closing my eyes. “Sorry,” I whisper, looking at all of them in turn. “I just really want to get out of here.”
“Its fine, baby,” Corey says, picking up a bag off the chair and starting to put some of my clothes inside. “You go and get dressed, I’ll pack everything.”
I take the clothes out of his outstretched hands, trying to smile back at him when he smiles at me but it takes so much energy and I know it looks forced.
Locking the door to the bathroom behind me, I lean against it, needing some space. I know they’re all trying to help but all I really want right now is to be on my own, have some space and try to sort all of my warring thoughts out.
My eyes flick to the shower cubicle and I’m stripping off the hospital issued gown and moving forward before it even registers, turning the knob and stepping under the cold water.
I close my eyes and my hand reaches for the sponge and soap automatically.
I scrub at my skin, feeling like it’s not coming clean, no matter how red it becomes. I get lost in my own head, gritting my teeth and scrubbing harder and harder.
I jump when I hear a knock on the door and I turn the water off, stepping out of the cubicle and wrapping a towel around me.
I turn so that my back is to the mirror, not wanting to look.
I’m scared; scared to look at my own reflection in case I see something that I don’t want to see. I don’t want to look at the marks he left me with this time but most importantly, I don’t want to look into my eyes and see the broken me, again.
“Ava, honey?”
“One second,” I say as loud as I can, which isn’t loud at all as I quickly pull my clothes on.
“Ready?” Elena asks when I open the door and step out.
“Yeah.” I flick my eyes to Corey who’s watching me intently and then back to Elena. “Where am I going?”
