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Since you woke. You were reaching out, Lillian told her. Lily could feel Lillian’s shock at the view they were sharing. What are you going to do?
Lily turned toward the city. “We only have two choices,” she said. “Go into the city, or not. I have no idea what to do.”
Her coven shot one another looks, obviously exchanging mindspeak.
“You’re not yourself,” Caleb said gently. “Each of us has tried to connect with you in mindspeak and it’s like hitting a brick wall. You’ve totally shut us out.”
As she considered it, Lily realized that she had been feeling her claimed brushing up against her mind, asking for entry, but she’d been blocking them out subconsciously. She didn’t want anyone inside her mind, no one but someone who was as culpable as she was. The enormity of what Lily had done hung like a sword over her head, and only Lillian knew what that was like. Only Lillian had sent people she’d loved to their deaths.
How do you keep it from eating you up?
You don’t, Lillian replied. Let it eat you, and be grateful for the pain. If it goes away, then you know you’re dead inside.
Lily didn’t feel pain. She didn’t feel anything. She was numb, her head full of white noise to drown out the shouting inside. As soon as she named the numbness it went away, and hatred bubbled in her throat. Hatred for herself so thick and dark it was like drinking tar.
I can’t do this.
Yes, you can. You can because you must, Lillian replied. I’m here. I understand what it’s like to wake up changed.
“Lily?” Juliet said, moving toward her with an outstretched hand. “Say something.”
Every choice I make gets someone killed. I don’t want to make any more, Lily thought. I’m stuck.
Doing nothing isn’t an option, Lillian said. You had to be ruthless when the Hive came for you, even with Tristan. He died to protect you and the rest of the coven.
No. He died because he wasn’t ready for the burden I put on him. He never should have been in this world.
You’re past that. What’s done is done. All that matters is the task at hand, the city in front of you, and what you’re going to do about it. Don’t waste Tristan’s sacrifice. Swallow your guilt and get moving.
“Eyes up. Someone’s coming,” Una said sharply.
The coven turned and saw a small party approaching from the direction of the city gates.
“Do we have any weapons?” Caleb asked, his hand going to the empty sheath hanging from his belt. Tristan’s arm flexed to look for his knife as well, and he shook his head at Caleb, his eyes anxious.
“Easy, boys. We’ve still got our witch,” Una said after coming up empty for weapons herself. She turned to Lily. “How much juice you got left?”
Lily grimaced. “Nothing,” she replied. “I need salt.”
“They might be peaceful,” Juliet said optimistically. Everyone looked at Juliet sideways.
“Because peace is something we’ve had so much of since coming to this world,” Breakfast groused.
“There’s no reason to go on the defensive. It’s not like they’re charging toward us with weapons drawn,” Juliet persisted, squinting in the direction of the approaching group.
Juliet. Always making the best of a terrible situation, Lillian whispered to Lily.
Yes, Lily agreed, feeling something beginning to thaw inside her as she watched this other version of her sister.
Juliet smoothed her charred linen shirt, tucking its tattered hem into her dusty wearhyde riding pants. She squared her narrow shoulders, making Lily smile. Juliet never looked more delicate than when she was trying to look tough. “Let me handle this,” Juliet said confidently.
Caleb looked like he wanted to argue, and Lily realized that if she was going to lead this coven, she had to start taking control—first and foremost, of herself.
Lillian. I need to allow my coven in, so you must leave me now or they may sense you in my mind. I’ll reach out to you again when I can.
Yes, Lillian agreed. We both have a lot of work to do.
Lily caught the edge of Lillian’s cold determination as they stared at the emissaries from the foreign city before Lillian severed contact. Lily turned her attention to her coven and reached out to Caleb in mindspeak.
