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Wren: You totally don’t have to grab my dress from Mom at the stand and drop it off here so I can try it on, but if you happen to be in the neighborhood, that would be wonderful!
Tess: While you’re at the store, add in a pack of BIC lighters, two cans of lighter fluid, and a box of matches.
Bodhi: Honey, I already apologized a hundred times for going to the dick party without you. Come on, have a heart! Think of the baby.
Tess: Make that three cans of lighter fluid.
Dean: Yes to everything above but the flammable items. I’m sorry, Tess. No can do.
Tess: Understandable. You’re new here, and you don’t fear me yet. Give it time.
Laura: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Absolutely not. NO! I will handle all of this. Leave Dean alone. These are not his problems.
Dean: They’re not yours either.
Laura: They WERE until you decided to look at my phone on the counter while I was busy with a customer. I told you I had all those texts under control.
Dean: And now *I* have them all under control, and you can just worry about getting out of work and getting to Dockside Eddy’s on time for dinner and the live band that’s on the agenda.
Laura: You are really annoying.
Dean: I know. It’s my best quality.
Bodhi: Anyone else super turned on right now?
Laura: No one else better text him for anything. Do y’all hear me???
Dean: Remove Laura from group chat.
Dean: I said remove Laura from group chat.
Laura: OMG stop trying to make speech to text happen!
Dean: Are you still at work?
Laura: No. I’m home and just got out of the shower, why?
Dean: Oh, nothing serious. Just, you know… wondering how to get two pregnant women to stop crying.
Laura: I told you not to take those dresses over for Wren and Tess! Nothing good can happen when two pregnant women try on dresses they got fitted for months ago. That was a text I fully planned on ignoring until several glasses of wine had been consumed.
Dean: When a woman asks you if she’s fat, you are never supposed to answer. I kept my mouth shut like a smart man, and they still cried. And when I told them they looked fine, they screamed at me and locked themselves in the bathroom.
Laura: Oh God. You should just run. Right now. Just get out of that house and RUN before they come back out of that bathroom.
Dean: Since when is “fine” a bad word?
Laura: Since the beginning of time with every woman ever! Seriously, man, RUN. Save yourself.
Dean: Funny. What are they going to do? Attack me? I think I can handle two pregnant women.
Dean: Jesus Christ, who gave Tess a fucking blow torch???
Laura: Oh, that was Bodhi’s Valentine’s Day present for her. She’s not supposed to use it until after the baby is born.
Dean: Is this what your life is like on a daily basis?
Laura: Pretty much. Welcome to the shit show. See you at Dockside Eddy’s in an hour. Unless you can’t outrun Tess like you couldn’t outrun Murphy. That would suck for you.
