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“No. He said his husband passed away a few years ago, but it’s not like being in mourning has an expiration date.”
“True, but where does that leave you?”
“I don’t know yet,” I said. “It’s only been a few days. I’m going to give it some time and see what happens.”
Kel nodded. “Definitely do that. But if weeks turn into months and he still can’t give you what you need, I hope you take the advice you just gave me. You shouldn’t have to wait around forever, wishing for more.”
I thought I probably would wait around forever, until Dylan finally decided he was ready to start a new relationship. But watching what Kel was going through felt like a wake-up call. It wasn’t the same situation, but after a year of waiting and hoping for more, my friend was depressed and dissatisfied. Was I setting myself up for the same fate by getting involved with a man who didn’t want what I did?
Kel and I chatted for a few more minutes, and then I got up and said, “I think I’m going to go upstairs and crawl under the covers. I’m wiped out, and I feel like this day needs a reset.”
“I think going back to bed is an awesome idea.”
He gently picked up his chinchillas and cradled them in his arms as we went upstairs. Before he ducked into his room, Kel said, “Thanks for listening, Lark. I’ll see you later.”
After I changed into a cozy onesie, I flopped onto my bed and stared at the ceiling. I couldn’t get Dylan off my mind. I kept seeing the look of pure devastation on his face when he thought he was waking up next to his husband but found me there instead.
No wonder he’d said he wasn’t looking for a relationship. Was he even ready for a friend with benefits? I really hoped so. But how could I possibly compete with the memory of a man he’d obviously adored?
14
Dylan
The next few days were pretty miserable. I felt awful about what had happened when I woke up beside Lark. The poor guy has probably been completely traumatized by the way I’d freaked out on him. At the same time, that incident had stirred up a lot of emotions in me, and I needed some time to sort it all out.
I’d tried to explain that to Lark in a text, but it sounded like I was blowing him off. To make sure he didn’t feel rejected, I made a point of sending him a few messages each day. His responses were always friendly and up-beat, but they were fairly impersonal, too. Not that I blamed him. He probably had no idea what to make of me, so what was he going to do, pour his heart out?
Over those few days, I worked a shift, plodded through another pair of days off, and went to work again. My coworkers were quick to point out I was “acting weirder than usual,” and after dinner Heath and Malone cornered me in the kitchen.
Malone plucked a sponge from my hand as he said, “Dude, stop. You’re scrubbing things that don’t need to be scrubbed.”
“Come and sit down.” Heath herded me toward the table and chairs. “We want to know what’s going on with you.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and muttered, “Who says anything’s going on?”
Malone rolled his eyes, which reminded me of his teenage daughter. “Come on, D. You can’t pretend we don’t know you, not after all these years.”
As we all took a seat around the table, Heath said, “It has something to do with that guy you were interested in, doesn’t it? Did he break up with you? Is that why you’re so sulky?”
“Okay, I definitely haven’t been ‘sulky.’ I’ve just had a lot on my mind.”
Eventually, they dragged the story out of me. I told them about the meltdown I’d had when I woke up next to Lark, and they both tried really hard not to look like they completely pitied me. They didn’t quite succeed, though.
“Man, that must’ve been rough,” Malone muttered, “not just for you, but for that poor guy you were sleeping with.”
“I know. I feel horrible for doing that to him.”
He asked, “How’ve you two been since then?”
“I haven’t seen him since that morning,” I admitted. “I needed some time to get myself together.”
Heath looked concerned. “Don’t tell me you ghosted him.”
“No, of course not. I’ve texted him every day.”
“And?”
“And nothing,” I said.
