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“I came out to my parents when I was twelve, but believe me when I say, nobody wanted me in high school. I was a huge dork. I was as tall as I am now, but I was also super skinny with acne and a mouth full of braces.”
He laughed when I exclaimed, “Holy makeover, Batman! What happened?”
“Well, the braces came off, and I outgrew the acne. Plus, I knew I had to get a lot stronger if I was going to pass the physical portion of the firefighters’ exam. So, the year after I graduated from high school, I got really serious about working out and building muscle.”
“And here I was picturing you as the captain of the football team and the homecoming king,” I said.
“Nope, not even close. Besides being self-conscious about my appearance, I was pretty shy, too. I only had two close friends, and we spent most of our time playing Dungeons and Dragons.”
“I don’t know if I should believe you. You’re just so different now.”
“I’m not really. I might look different because I grew up and filled out, but deep down I still see myself as that same awkward dork.”
“You know what? This actually explains a lot,” I said. “No wonder you’re so kind and accepting of all my quirks. You have first-hand experience at being an oddball, like me.”
He grinned at that and asked, “Is that how you see yourself? As an oddball?”
“Oh, for sure, and I don’t say that like it’s a bad thing. I fly my oddball flag proudly. It’s huge, 3-D, and shaped like a round, glittery unicorn. Actually, now that I think about it, it’s less like a flag and more like a giant balloon in a Thanksgiving Day parade.”
Dylan adjusted his pillows and leaned against the dark wood headboard as he said, “That sounds about right.”
I shifted around and sat cross-legged facing him, with the blanket over my lap. “I just thought of something. If you were nineteen, does that mean the first person you ever dated was your husband?”
He nodded. “The first and last, until I met you.”
“So…wow. You lost your virginity to the man you ended up marrying.”
“I did.”
“Were you his first, too?”
“I was his first time with a man, since he’d dated women in high school.” Dylan lowered his gaze to the dark blue comforter and smoothed out a wrinkle as he said, “We were so young and naïve. When we first tried to sleep together, we barely knew what we were doing. Then later on, we realized there was a reason things weren’t working out very well…”
His voice drifted off, so I guessed, “Was it because you were both tops?”
He met my gaze with a look of surprise. “How did you know?”
“Everything I’ve heard about him makes me think you two were very similar.”
“You’re right, that’s exactly what was wrong, but it didn’t really change anything. We loved each other and wanted to be together, so that wasn’t going to stand in our way. Instead, we just adapted, I guess, and found ways to be intimate that didn’t involve anal.”
I didn’t say it out loud because it probably seemed petty, but I was glad to find out there was one way I was more compatible with Dylan than his husband had been. Even so, it still felt next to impossible to compete with the memory of a man who sounded so perfect—not just for Dylan, but in general.
Dylan thought about what he’d just said and added, “Maybe that was why I was able to start hooking up with people less than three years after I became a widower. Since it wasn’t really a part of our relationship, it didn’t make me feel guilty. Those hookups were nothing special either, just quick, anonymous sex, never with the same guy twice. There certainly were no bells and whistles, if you know what I mean. They just fulfilled a basic need. And that’s it, now you know the sum total of my sex life BL.”
“What’s BL?”
He grinned at me. “Before Lark. Just about everything you and I have done has been new and different, and I really like that. I feel like I finally have a chance to explore and learn about myself.”
That made me grin, too. “Any time you want to explore more of those bells and whistles, I’m totally down for that. In fact, you know what we should do? Visit a sex shop and pick out some toys together. As you know, I brought some along, but you might enjoy seeing what’s available and finding things that turn you on.”
“I like that idea. I’ve never been to a sex shop, and I’ll admit I’m curious.”
I asked, “Really? You and your husband never went to one?”
He shook his head. “We were both pretty private when it came to our sex life, especially Travis. I suggested it a couple of times, but he always said he’d be too embarrassed.”
“Well, you’re going to have fun. I know the perfect place.”
