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And Jay, interestingly, was a natural father. He looked at his girls like they hung the moon.
I loved that for them.
I was at their house as often as I could be. Karson was there sometimes too. I ignored him. We didn’t interact in the daylight. He still came to me in the darkness, even after that night. I still wore faint bruises underneath expertly applied makeup.
I knew everyone watched the two of us with concern, maybe even frustration, the ‘they obviously love each other, so why don’t they get their shit together?’ type of frustration.
But as cliché as it was, love sometimes wasn’t enough. Or in our case, it was much too much. I was nowhere near strong enough to welcome it back in. Welcome him back in.
I was at Jay and Stella’s, and thankfully, Karson was not there. Stella was changing Ruby. Although I planned on being a hands-on aunt, spoiling that little girl rotten, I drew the line at shitty diapers.
So I’d gone back to the living room to pour myself a drink when I caught sight of a man in a suit standing on the balcony, watching the ocean. Jay had obviously only just got home. He was not one of the husbands who avoided diaper duty, or any duty that some deemed the mother should be able to handle … i.e. everything. No, he was king of the diaper changes, according to Stella.
That had made me smile.
The breeze was cold as I stepped out on the balcony, and the sea air taunted me with memories. I took a long sip of my drink.
“You did good,” I said, leaning against the balcony beside him. “With your family. You did great.”
His eyes swung to me then back to the waves. “I did better than I ever deserve,” he answered.
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, come on, you deserve them.”
Jay and I had come as close to friends as you could get to a man like him. With everything that happened to me, I understood him a little better. And I loved the way he treated Stella now that all their bullshit and drama was over with.
“Yes, you’re going to say you’re a bad man who’s done bad things,” I told him before he could open his mouth. “And I’m sure you are and sure you have. But that does not mean you don’t deserve that. That they don’t deserve you.” My eyes darted inside where Stella was emerging with Ruby bundled in her arms. “They are precious. Innocent. Good.” I looked back to him. “And they need to be protected by someone willing to do anything and everything for them. Not a prince or some shit. They’re always burdened by their morals or whatever. But you, the bad guy you think you are? You aren’t burdened with anything when it comes to them. You’ve got all the tools and weapons to ensure that the world does not bruise them.” I paused a second. “Scar them.”
My hand went to my stomach, to a scar of my own.
Emerald eyes bore into me. I knew that Jay had been watching me closely these months too. We were almost friends. I cared about him and him about me. And he looked like he was about to launch into some intense, alpha male speech I really wasn’t ready for.
Luckily, before Jay could speak, Stella stepped onto the balcony. Her eyes went to Jay. “Honey, you’re home.”
He moved to kiss Stella then carefully took Ruby from her arms.
My heart hurt a little in that moment, one that wasn’t mine. One that would never be mine.
“Let’s go inside,” Stella suggested quietly, eyes on Jay who had already turned back toward the ocean.
I followed her inside.
“It’s their routine,” she explained as we settled on the sofa. “Ruby loves the waves. The ocean. So Jay loves it too. Even though he used to be ‘indifferent’ to it.” She rolled her eyes. “I swear, he used to think someone would come and take away his badass card if he dared to find something like the ocean beautiful.”
I smiled. “Karson reads historical romances. Puts them on his shelf and everything, for anyone to see. Then again, he’d kill an intruder before he made it inside to peruse his bookshelf, so his badass card is safe.”
The words had come out of their own accord. I hadn’t meant to talk about him. Say his name. Speak as if we were still some kind of couple instead of whatever the fuck we were now.
There was a silent pact between me and my friends that we never mentioned Karson. I was back to the old Wren now. Partying too much, shopping too much. Not dating at all, of course. I didn’t need murder on my soul, and I knew that Karson was dead serious.
But I’d broken that pact now.
Karson was fair game.
I prayed that Stella would skip over this.
But there was not a chance in hell. My friend had been offered an opportunity to finally speak to me about the subject I’d been avoiding for months.
“Do you blame him? Hate him?” she asked gently, quietly. Everything was gentle and quiet these days.
