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20
Mercedes
Judge blinks at me as if he doesn't understand how the hell that just happened. It makes two of us. His warm body is still pressing down onto mine. I’m covered in his come, and I’m still soaked with the evidence of my body’s betrayal. The want I shouldn’t have felt for him.
It was intense. It was… all-consuming. And now, it just feels confusing. But when he rolls over and collapses beside me, I feel the loss of his warmth immediately. I hate that I miss it, but even worse, I hate that I allowed him to touch me in the first place. Because now that it's all catching up to me, I realize how stupid it was for me to give in. I can’t pretend I’ve forgotten everything I know about him. I refuse to be another Society woman who turns a blind eye to what’s happening right under her nose.
"So how does this work, exactly?" My voice is dripping with the bitterness I can't hide. "You take the edge off with me and then call up your courtesan later tonight?"
Judge glances over at me, his brow furrowed as if I'm being ridiculous, and it only serves to irritate me even more.
"Don't expect to have us on a rotating schedule," I snap at him. "Because that's not going to happen."
He leans up on one elbow to examine me. "You know, your jealousy might be cute if I even knew where the hell it was coming from, little monster."
"I'm not jealous." I glare back at him. "It's called respect. I'm not going to be your side piece."
He chuckles softly then, shaking his head. "I'd have to have a main piece for you to be my side piece, Mercedes."
"Don't treat me as if I'm stupid." I grab the covers to pull them over myself as I sit up. "I know what you do at night. The staff talks. If you think discretion is a thing, you’re seriously deluded."
Irritation flickers across his features. "What do you mean the staff talks?"
"Are you really going to make me spell it out for you?"
"That would be helpful, yes."
"Miriam," I bark. "She told me all about your nighttime proclivities. That's who you were on the phone with the other day, isn't it? Making plans for your nights while you spend your days torturing me?"
For a moment, he looks so stunned by the accusation that it makes me question my sanity. If I’m being honest, I hate that I'm even pursuing this. That I need an answer from him. But I do.
"Miriam told you I was talking to... who, exactly?" he asks.
I roll my eyes and look away. "Who do you think, Judge? Your favorite courtesan."
He snorts, and it pisses me off. I move to leave, but he grabs me, dragging me back onto the bed and forcing me to look at him. Our eyes lock, and the amusement slowly slips away from his.
"There is no courtesan keeping me company at night," he says softly. "You keep me more than occupied for that. But what just happened between us? I need you to understand that won't happen again. Those intimacies are for your future husband. I shouldn't have crossed that line with you."
His words leave a sour taste in my mouth, and when I swallow down the emotions I want to hide, I hope he can't see them. I know he’s lying. He has to be lying because, on some level, he feels what I feel. That’s the only explanation for this dysfunctional attraction between us. As much as he pretends to be okay with the idea that I’ll marry someone else eventually, I can’t accept that it’s true. And part of me feels like he keeps throwing it in my face as a way to keep me at a distance.
He touches my face as if he's trying to soften the blow. "Don't retreat back into yourself. I need to know you're not going to do that again."
I blink away the stinging pain behind my eyes and shake my head. Again, I want to ask him why he cares, but I know it doesn't matter. Judge can’t even be honest with himself in this situation, so he’s certainly not going to be honest with me.
"I wasn't trying to hurt myself," I whisper. At least I don't think I was. Admittedly, what I did was reckless, but it wasn't like I was really trying to kill myself. "And I would never, ever want to hurt one of your horses. I’ve seen what a bad jump can do to a horse. I wouldn’t do that. It wasn't even my intent. I just wanted to see how fast he would go. I needed... something. But the terrain was unfamiliar, and I could hardly see in the rain. When you came out of nowhere, I didn’t want you to catch me. I didn't even realize what was happening until you jumped on to stop us."
I truly feel fucking terrible, and Judge must see it because he doesn't scold me again. Instead, he comforts me, his hand rubbing circles into my back. It feels so good that I don't want it to end. I don't understand it. How can this man who infuriates me so often bring me this kind of peace as well? When I look at him, I wonder if he's questioning it too.
"Just don't try it again," he says, his voice absent of derision. "You don't ride unless you're with me, or I give you permission."
I could bite back, but I don't. There's something about when he shows me even an ounce of softness that makes me wish for more. After the hell of the last few weeks, I shouldn't want or need these moments from him, but I do. I know I told him I’d never forgive him for what he’d done, and a part of me still hasn’t, but right now, it’s overshadowed by my basic human need for comfort.
"I want you to tell me what happened with Miriam."
I lift my gaze to his, already prepared for a fight, but he stops me with a shake of his head.
"I'll listen this time. Please, tell me."
