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She pushed the screen of her laptop down. “Of course I’m afraid. That’s the whole point, isn’t it? I can’t go near water without having a panic
attack. You’ve seen that for yourself. It seems stupid to expose myself to things which make me afraid.”
“But what if you weren’t afraid anymore? What if you could get over it?”
“Breck, I’ve had a phobia of deep water for more than half my life. If I could get over it, don’t you think I would’ve by now?”
“Tell me about that day.” His voice was low, his eyes kind. “It must have been terrible. Lucas had told me about your time in the hospital, and the aftermath once you were home. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for you.”
She didn’t want to talk about it. She really didn’t. Yet there was an invitation in Breck’s expression that she couldn’t bring herself to turn down. A need to understand, to help, to be the white knight on a steed. He couldn’t shake that look off if he tried. Her mouth was dry, her lips cracked. Everything in her body was telling her not to speak.
But this was Breck. Her Breck. The same boy who’d always come to her rescue; the man she couldn’t stop thinking about. And he was staring at her as if he needed to know. If she couldn’t give him honesty, what could she give him? He was possibly the only person in the world she could be this open with.
“I grew up wanting to be like Lucas,” she said softly, her hands wrapped around her coffee mug. “Even as a toddler, Mom said I used to follow him everywhere. Of course he thought I was annoying. As we got older, he was always the outgoing one, never without a group of friends around him. When you guys started surfing, I wanted to do it, too. Lucas would tell me to leave him alone, that I couldn’t do it because I was a girl.”
Breck said nothing. He stared intently at her, absorbing every syllable she uttered.
“I wanted to prove him wrong. To show him I could surf as good as him. There was this one day when you all had to go to school on a Saturday morning. I can’t even remember what it was for.”
“Detention,” Breck said flatly. “We were caught smoking beneath the bleachers.”
“So, I took his board down to the beach. I’d watched him enough times. Thought it would be simple. You guys made it look so easy, you know, with your strong legs and perfectly balanced bodies. When I got down to the beach, it was almost empty. I was so focused, so ready to go, I didn’t notice the flags. Plus the sea was calm, hardly any waves. It seemed like the perfect time to go and make a fool out of myself.” She took a mouthful of coffee to counter the dryness in her throat. Her voice was getting thicker by the minute. “Of course now I know a riptide often makes the water calmer, before it drags you out.”
She took a deep breath and blew it out. Breck reached for her, grabbing her hand.
“I took the board out until I was waist deep and tried to scramble on it. Naturally, I fell in right away. That’s when it happened. It felt like something was grabbing my whole body. I was yanked under until I was totally submerged. It was like being in one of those tube slides, not able to grab onto anything, and not able to stop. Your whole body’s being propelled through the water as it crashes against you. I kept moving my arms, trying to get to the surface. I wanted to call out, but I was surrounded by water. My chest was burning, screaming at me to open my mouth, but I knew if I did, that would be it.
“I don’t know how long I was under. A minute or two, maybe. Enough for me to get completely disoriented, for my head to be so light I could hardly think. And all I wanted to do was scream.”
Breck tugged her hand, until she was moving toward him. Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her onto his lap.
“It was a tourist who saved me. He’d watched me go under. Even though it was dangerous, he swam out to save me. Mom said they never found out his name. Somehow, he managed to grab hold of me and pull me back to the beach. By that point I was unconscious, and had inhaled some water. They had to perform CPR. I didn’t fully wake up until I was in the hospital.” She closed her eyes, breathing him in. “And I guess you know the rest.”
“Did they not offer you therapy? You’d almost died. What about your mom, didn’t she understand how scared you were?”
“It’s amazing how good an actor a kid can be. I didn’t want therapy, and I think my mom was relieved I wasn’t going down to the beach on my own any more. I felt like it was all my own fault. I shouldn’t have stolen Lucas’s board. I shouldn’t have gone to the ocean by myself; it was a self-inflicted injury. To tell them about my fears would’ve made it seem like I was seeking attention.”
“You were ten years old,” Breck whispered, burying his face in her hair. “You weren’t looking for anything. You were a scared kid, somebody who needed help. God, if I’d known how frightened you’d still be, all these years later…”
“Breck, it’s nobody’s fault. And I’m okay now. I’m still alive, still breathing. I’m okay.”
“But you’re not okay. If you were, you wouldn’t panic every time you saw a body of water; you wouldn’t avoid lakes and pools. You’d just take them in stride.”
“It’s a coping mechanism.”
“But you’re missing out.”
The fervency in his voice made her lift her head up. He looked upset, enough for her to reach out and cup his face with her palm. “I’m okay, Breck.”
“I want you to come to the pool with me,” he said. “You don’t have to go in. You just have to look at it. You can’t ignore your fears like this.”
“Breck…”
“Do it for me?” he asked, leaning in close. “I won’t make you do anything else. I’ll hold you. I’ll do whatever else you want. Just let me do this with you.”
There was a hint of desperation to his tone, and it reflected in his eyes. He tightened his arms around her, pulling her closer, until it felt as if every part of her body was touching his. She breathed him in, this man, the one she couldn’t help but fall in love with.
“Okay, I’ll come down to the pool with you,” she said, her voice shaky. “But you have to promise not to let go of me.”
