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“I’m going to be a dad again, Sara,” he said, his voice cracking. “In a few months I’ll have a new baby. And I don’t know how to do it without feeling like I’m forgetting everything we had. It’s like I’m moving on, and with every step I take, you and Jacob feel further and further behind. I even went for hours without thinking about you yesterday. I laughed and ate and drank and did everything you can’t, and then I hated myself for it.”
He took a deep breath. “And then there’s Harper. She’s the mom of the baby. I think you’d like her if you met her. She’s kind and funny and I know she’s gonna make a kick-ass mother.” He swallowed hard. “And I think I might have feelings for her, too.”
He closed his eyes, a single tear sliding down his cheek. “I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Like I’ve come back to life again. But the more alive I feel, the more I realize you’re gone and are never coming back. I don’t want you to hate me for feeling like this. I don’t want you to think I’m going to forget you and Jacob. You’ll alwa
ys be with me. Always. He’ll always be this baby’s older brother.”
He shook his head, his eyes still shut. “I’m afraid,” he admitted. “I have no idea what to do. Sometimes I wish I could talk to you. You always gave such good advice.”
A warm breeze ruffled his hair. He opened his eyes and lifted his hand to straighten it. A leaf had caught in his mussed hair and he plucked it out.
No, not a leaf. A feather. A white one, with soft downy barbs. He stared at it, his brows pinching together. “Sara?” he said, his voice a whisper.
Then he shook his head at himself. How many times had he looked for a sign from her? There were birds everywhere in this cemetery, the trees full of nests. It wasn’t a sign, it was just the wind.
And yet holding that feather made his heart ache a little less. He inhaled deeply, the tightness in his chest gone. Maybe it wasn’t a sign he needed, but to actually listen to his own heart for a change. To stop beating himself up and allow himself to live again.
“I’ll bring the baby to meet you both once she’s here,” he said, biting down a smile because he was as bad as Harper with saying ‘she’. “And maybe Harper, too, if she’ll come.”
Another breeze. This time it lifted the feather from his hold, causing it to dance in the wind before it slowly floated to the ground. He lifted his head, staring beyond the grassy lawns and the gleaming headstones, to the cliffs towering over the Pacific coast.
Three years ago he’d buried his heart here, along with the family he’d lost. Maybe now it was time to claim it back.
* * *
“What are these for?” his mom asked when James handed her the second bouquet he’d bought from the florist.
“I saw them and thought of you.” He shrugged. “I wanted to say thank you for yesterday.” His voice lowered. “And sorry for leaving the way I did.”
“Would you like to come in?” she asked him. “I’ve just put some coffee on.”
“No thank you,” he said, glancing at his watch. “There are a couple more things I need to do before I head home, and I want to catch Harper before she leaves.”
His mom’s eyes lit up at the mention of Harper. It was impossible not to notice. He knew she’d made an impression on her, that she was beginning to hope for things she hadn’t in a long time.
Maybe they both were. He could hardly blame her for thinking about the same things he was.
“As long as we’re apologizing, I have one to make, too,” she told him, hugging the bouquet to her chest. “I was out of line bringing up Harper and Sara. It’s none of my business. I’m sorry I mentioned it.”
“You were only saying it because you care.” His mind drifted back to the conversation he’d had about his parents with Harper in the car. The gap between her upbringing and his felt so stark. No, she hadn’t suffered physical abuse, but it was clear her childhood had left other, less visible scars. He was grateful his parents had shown him nothing but love. “I know the past few years haven’t been easy for any of us.”
Her expression softened. “It’s you I worry about,” she whispered. “Losing your family so young was a terrible thing. I know it’s not something you ever get over, but my heart aches to see you so alone. This baby is the best thing that’s happened to any of us for a long while, and whatever happens between you and Harper doesn’t change that.” She reached for his hand, squeezing it tightly. “You’re my son. I’ll never stop worrying about you. Or loving you, either.”
The corner of his lip quirked up. “I like her.”
His mom blinked. “Harper?”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “But right now I have no idea where to go with that thought.”
Her voice was soft. “Sometimes we just have to see where life takes us. Maybe it will go somewhere, maybe it will go nowhere, but the important thing is you’re opening yourself up to it.”
“It doesn’t mean I didn’t love Sara and Jacob.”
“Oh honey, of course it doesn’t. I know how much you love them. They knew it, too. But you have more than enough love to go around.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child, but I do know how it feels to watch a child you love more than life itself go through the worst thing any person can experience. My heart broke in a million pieces for you. If I could I’d take it all away. The pain, the hurt, everything. But I can’t.” Her voice cracked.
He leaned forward and hugged her, trying not to squash the bouquet of flowers she was still holding to her chest. “Thanks, Mom,” he said, his voice gruff.
When he released her, she was smiling through her tears. “Are you sure you don’t want to come in?” she asked him.
