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I’m not ready to face him. I’m not ready for him to see me crumble. As if he hasn't already.
“Ari. Ari, please.” He blocks the door. “I know you’re in fight-or-flight right now and the last thing you want to do is stop and listen to me but please give me a couple of minutes before you run out and jump in your car.”
“Dash, I need to get Holden.” My body is trying to outrun the tears that are threatening to escape, but I can’t. My heart is racing, and I feel like I can’t catch my breath. I try to push past him, but it's no use.
“Let me drive you.”
“No, I...” I press my palms against my temples. Rage swells in my stomach. I have to get out of here. Feeling like I’m going to vomit, I collapse onto the couch, and Dash kneels in front of me.
“I don’t want to stop you from leaving or getting Holden, but I am worried that you’re too overwhelmed to drive right now.” He brushes my hair back, but I keep my face angled down.
I can't look at him. If I do, I know I'll break.
Dash slides a finger under my chin and tilts my head up. “You need a minute, Ari.” His hand moves to cup my neck, and he massages my tense muscles. I hate how good he makes me feel. “Just give me a minute.”
I search his face, still feeling the fire and ice of erratic emotions. His eyes are pinched with concern, but the rest of his face is calm. He's so composed and still, and for a second, I almost believe he can handle this, but he can't understand.
I close my eyes and try to rein in my erratic emotions. Adrenaline still pumps through me, making me tense and jittery.
He’s right. I’m not thinking straight. I’m not thinking at all.
“If Shane found my number, what if he knows where I am? What if he finds Holden before we get there?” What if he hurts my baby just to get back at me?
I’m beyond overwhelmed. I’m not sure what I’m going to do or say when I get Holden. I’m not sure if I’m going to walk out the door, throw my things in the car, and never look back. Start over again. Alone.
I’m not sure of anything.
“The daycare isn’t going to release Holden to some stranger, right?”
My shoulders slump, and I let myself go. I bury my face in his neck, pressing my cheek into his shoulder. “I’m scared.”
And that’s what Shane wants. He thrived on my fear keeping me under his thumb.
“You’re not alone this time, Ari.” I feel Dash’s hand slide beneath my hair and down my back. I relax into him, soaking in his strength.
Alone. I desperately try to find the power to hold it together as I sit up and look at the man kneeling in front of me. “The car seat is in the Saturn. Can we take the Saturn?”
I don’t know why I’m hung up on that detail. Just the thought of moving over the seat sounds like too much to handle right now. The thought of waiting for Dash to do it is just as bad. But Dash is right. If I can’t handle that small task, should I even trust myself behind the wheel with Holden in the car?
“Of course.” Helping me to my feet, Dash grabs my keys from the table, and we walk out to the Saturn hand in hand.
When he climbs in, he looks like one of the clowns that drive those tiny cars at the circus, with their knees up to their chins or hanging off the side. And just like that, my heart softens. Dash is so sweet. He’s trying to help me. And I’m not sure how I feel about it.
I can’t keep him close.
