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ALEC
Idon’t know what I expected, kissing her. For her to magically recover her memory? Like I’m Prince Charming healing her with true love’s kiss.
Of course, that doesn’t happen.
I’m holding onto her because I’m almost certain if I let go, she’ll lose her balance. But she’s pulling away to look at me like she doesn’t know me.
And she doesn’t.
Maybe another man would apologize for kissing her, and maybe I should. I just can’t find it in myself to do it.
“I’ll take you back home,” I say instead.
She takes a moment to gather herself and takes a step back. “Alright,” is all she says, her expression unreadable.
The ride back to the house is quiet, and I can’t tell if she’s pissed off or not. Before the accident, Tana wouldn’t have hesitated to let me know when I fucked up. She would have smacked me on the arm, cursed like a sailor, then made me grovel until she felt I had atoned appropriately.
Now, though, I don’t know how the fuck to handle this Tana. It’s screwing with my head. She looks, smells, tastes, and feels like my wife. But is she really if she doesn’t remember me or our life together?
I’d hoped kissing her would erase my doubts and fears, but ironically, all it did was make me even more confused.
“Alec,” Tana says, and I glance over at her.
“Yeah?”
“Tell me about our first kiss. Was it like that?”
Pain sears through my chest. “Do you really want to know all that?”
“Yes.”
I don’t second guess her. Maybe part of me wants to talk about it. The grief I haven’t had an outlet for spills from my lips.
“Well, we were in our early twenties. We’d spent all day on the water, dicking around with our friends. Goofin’ off, tubin’, drinkin’. We hung around the same group of people but had never gotten together. You were buzzed real good and couldn’t stop laughing. I couldn’t stop staring at you. The way your face lit up when you laughed. It made my chest hurt.”
I’m not normally the sort of man who likes to talk about his feelings. My go-to is doing. Fixing. Figuring. But there’s no amount of medical knowledge, physical strength, or clever problem solving that will bring my Tana back to me. The only thing I can give her is honesty. Memories. And so that’s what I do.
“Everyone had mostly gone, and I was gonna be your ride back to your house because you’d had a little too much to drink.”
“Really?”
“You were having fun. You just graduated from college. I was on leave with the military. It was summer. You had on the sweetest red bikini.”
She rolls her eyes. “Of course, that’s what you remember.”
I can’t help my grin. “Hard to forget.”
“Is that why you kissed me?”
I cut a glance at her. “Actually, you kissed me.”
“You’re kidding.”
Shaking my head, I say, “Dead honest. I had just finished loading all our stuff into the truck when you cornered me against the door. You looked at me with such a serious look that I stopped laughing at whatever dumb shit the other guys were doing. You asked me why I hadn’t kissed you already. I was stunned. I asked if you were serious. You said yes. That you’d been waiting all day for me to make a move and when I didn’t, you did it yourself. That’s why you had a couple drinks. To work up the nerve.”
“What did you do?” Her eyes are all on me. I can’t get the taste of her off my lips.
“I tried to tell you that we should wait until we hadn’t been drinking. But you said you couldn’t wait anymore. You moved closer to me until you were pressed up against me. I could barely breathe. I didn’t generally go after friends. I didn’t want to make it awkward if things went bad. And it often did back then, especially since I was new to my work and still in the military. A lot of women don’t like that kind of lifestyle.” I rub a hand through my hair. “Anyway, I tried to explain all this to you, but you weren’t having any of it. You told me you’ve been waiting to kiss me for weeks. That you didn’t care what I did. And that you couldn’t stand not knowing if the kiss would live up to everything you’d imagined because I was planning to deploy not long after. And I wouldn’t be back for a long time.”
She angles her body toward me. “And I still went for it? You didn’t mind me being so aggressive?”
I feel my lips tip up in a half-smile at the memory. And then I remember she’ll never have the same memory. A memory that’s an earmark of our history together. It’s gone for her. But it’s still there for me. Feelings are still there for me. I roll my shoulders. “You told me later that you didn’t want to live a life based on what-ifs or should-have-beens.” Our eyes meet for a moment. “No, I didn’t mind. I’d been gone for you for a long time.”
Her eyes drift out the window. “It sounds weird to talk about myself like I’m a different person, but thank you. I should know these things. The person I was sounds fun. And daring.”
“You still are. Give yourself a break. You only just got out of the hospital. You’re doing so much better than you were even a few weeks ago.”
She sighs heavily and changes the subject. “What happened next?”
I don’t press her. “I tried to tell you I didn’t want to hurt you. But you told me to shut up and kiss you.”
That startles a laugh out of her. “What? You’re kidding?”
“Not at all. Then you wrapped your hands around my shoulders, pushed up on your toes, and laid one on me. Other than the day we got married, it was the best kiss of my life.”
She goes quiet for a while, but I don’t push her. Frankly, I’m glad she’s asking questions. Gives me time to process both the memories and the fact that I kissed her. It was probably a bad idea, but I couldn’t not kiss her.
“I wish I could remember,” she says, breaking through my thoughts.
She’s not looking at me, but I can hear the sorrow in her voice. I hate that I caused it. “I wish you could too. But it’s not your fault.”
“I know. What did you do after I kissed you?”
I pull into the driveway at the house and turn to look at her. “Isn’t it obvious?”
She unbuckles slowly and gives me a confused look.
Grinning, I say, “Oh, well, I kissed you back. And I was such a great kisser you convinced me to marry you.”
She shakes her head, soft caramel blonde curls tumbling over her shoulders, and gets out of the truck. I join her as we walk to the front door. “I was due to deploy two months after that, and we spent nearly every moment together. I kept trying to reason with you, but you said it felt right. You told me that our souls recognized each other.” I smile as I unlock the door, remembering how serious she’d been when she said it. “I’m not the sentimental type of guy, but I fell for it, and you, hard. So a week before I was due to deploy, I asked you to marry me. Without hesitating, you said yes. We had a quick courthouse wedding, and you had my ring on your finger by the last time I flew out.”
We move into the kitchen, where I fix leftovers for lunch. We eat in silence for a while, and I catch Tana glancing at the ring on my finger. Hers had to be cut off after the accident. I saved the pieces, but there’s no repairing it, so it’s in the jewelry box on our dresser, a grim reminder.
“Why did you ask me to marry you after two months?”
I wipe my mouth with a napkin and study my hands. “It didn’t feel like two months to me, to be honest. It felt a whole lot longer. All I knew was that when I faced deploying without you in my life, I couldn’t leave without knowing you were mine. Permanently, legally, and everywhere I could have you. Maybe a little bit of your crazy rubbed off on me.” I huff out a laugh.
“Doesn’t sound any crazier than the situation we’re currently in.” When I look up at her, she giggles a little. Some of the tension in my chest releases. If I hadn’t already kissed her, that little giggle would’ve made me kiss her for sure. I missed hearing it.
“I guess you’re right about that. I’ve got to get the girls from school and take them to my mother's house. Are you going to be okay here by yourself for a while? You’ll have the rest of the weekend to yourself too. My mom will check on you to make sure that you don’t need anything. I figured you’d probably enjoy the freedom.”
“Thank you. I appreciate that, but I think I’m OK. I’m planning to spend as much time as possible outside. After being cooped up in the hospital, all I can think about is being outside.”
“That sounds like a plan to me. I’m going to leave you my card, so if you need anything just use it. The pin number is 4382.”
She winces, and her shoulders tense up a little. I know she hates me taking care of her, but I don’t know any other way to be. “Thank you,” she says. I’m grateful she doesn’t argue.
I hesitate before leaving. I don’t like leaving her alone. She’s still bruised up and sore, and all I wanna do is hold her. I’m pretty sure if I started, I wouldn’t be able to let go. It was a miracle I stopped kissing her in the first place.
Giving myself a little shake, I grab my wallet and keys. I need a mental buzzer every time I slip back into thinking things are like they used to be. They probably won’t ever be. I need to remember that for all of our sakes.
When I can’t drag it out any longer, I leave her with a wave. Mom promised to check in or do a little drive-by so I don’t worry too much. When I get in the truck and drive away, there’s a weight on my chest like I’m wearing fifty pounds of gear. It’s harder than I thought to leave. Much harder than it was leaving her in the hospital. At least then, I knew she was being watched over twenty-four seven. At least then, I was selfishly sure she couldn’t run away if she wanted.
I think about that on the way to the school to pick up the girls, through our goodbyes at my mom’s, and on the drive to the station. Because she could now. She could leave if she wanted. If this is too hard, or if she realizes she doesn’t love me or wants to have the girls. She could leave. And I couldn’t blame her. The memories, feelings, and promises she made before the accident are gone. It’s only whatever obligation and sense of morality she has inside her that keeps her with us. All of that could change in an instant.
And that scares the ever-living shit out of me.
