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TANA
Ihave to give it to him. He’s answering every question with honesty and kindness. Even the sensitive ones. In the hour since the girls have gone to bed, we’ve talked about almost everything.
“Did you always want to be a first responder?”
Alec takes a sip of his beer and stretches his neck from side to side. “No. I toyed with a lot of career paths after I got out of the military. This one seemed to check all the boxes. I liked the idea of serving my community. Some people don’t really like the trauma aspect or emergency medical care, but I find it fascinating. I like the challenge.”
Maybe that’s why he’s taken everything that’s happened in stride. He’s used to these kinds of situations. Probably not when they occur to someone he loves, but he’s been steadfast nonetheless. That I learned quickly. He didn’t hesitate to step up in any way possible when he realized I had amnesia. He took time off work to see me and take me every appointment when I needed physical therapy in the weeks after the accident.
Maybe that’s how a husband is supposed to treat his wife, but it still surprises me. Am I the kind of person who could do that for someone else? Be that selfless? I don’t know. That’s the plain truth.
I just don’t know.
“What about me? What did I want to do?”
He picks at the label on the beer bottle. “For the most part, you were content to stay home with the girls. At least until they got older. Then you got restless. You liked to fill your time with activities and trips, and you hated to be bored. What started as a hobby making things for the girls in your spare time just sort of evolved into the business and then it exploded from there. We were both in awe of your success at first. But I shouldn’t have been surprised. You often went after things and didn’t stop until you succeeded. Kind of like how you went after me.” I give her a cheeky smile.
“And you liked that?” I can’t help asking. I’m curious. The more I learn about him, the more intrigued I become. This man would do so much for someone who doesn’t even remember him or was even remotely nice to him at first. His patience and gentleness with the girls. His work.
It doesn’t hurt that the more I’m around him, the more I actively have to try not to touch him. When he left in his uniform the other day, I nearly swallowed my own tongue. I imagined him hauling around a big hose all sweaty and…heroic. Then I almost walked straight into a door.
“It was hard not to. You sort of broke down all my barriers until I gave in.” He smiles a little at this, and I realize the burning sensation I feel in my chest whenever he talks about before-me is jealousy.
I frown inwardly at myself. That’s so ridiculous. How can I be jealous of myself?
“What if I’m nothing like that anymore?” I blurt out the question and feel a stabbing sense of insecurity. As much as I want to be on my own, I’ve grown to like Alec…maybe even care for him. Hard not to after he was so stubborn about seeing me every day in the hospital and then offering me a place to stay even when I wasn’t so nice about it.
“What do you mean?” His tone is gentle and soft. A person could confess everything to a man with a voice like that.
“What if I’m not that girl anymore? Those memories, everything I lost. That’s what makes a person. What if, without those memories, I’m not the same woman you married? What do we do then?”
He’s quiet for a long time. Long enough that my heart beats a little faster. My hands are sweaty on my own beer bottle, but I resist the urge to wipe them on my thighs.
“I wish I had those answers for you, sweet pea. I wish I knew for certain how this will all end. The only thing I know and can control are my own actions. And since you’re asking, I’ll be honest with you.”
Oh shit.I should’ve kept my mouth shut. Do I really want to know what he’s going to say? Yes, I decide as he meets my eyes, ensnaring me with his powerful gaze.
“When I made those vows to you, to love, honor, and cherish you, in sickness and in health, I meant them. You’re still the woman I married. And I’m going to love, honor, and cherish you for as long as I have you. Now, if you decide being married to me isn’t what you want any more, I’ll respect that. Not happily and not without a fight, but I will respect whatever you feel you need.”
“Without a fight?” What does that mean?
He reaches across the distance between us to sift his hand through my hair, sending shivers down my body. If that’s what happens with just one touch, what would happen if he does more? I swallow hard as he begins to speak.
“I mean, I’ll do whatever it takes. It’s just how I’m wired. I couldn’t save you from the accident. I can’t give you back your memories. But I can honor my vows. I can be the man who promised you everything. Always. Not just because I’m obligated to you. But because I want to. For you.”
I force myself to think through the instant searing hot lust. “You mean for her. The woman I used to be?”
His thumb traces my cheekbone and I fight the urge to let my eyes flutter closed. “For her. And for you. The woman you are now. Marriage isn’t a fleeting thing, Tana. We’ve both changed in the years we’ve been married. You aren’t the same girl who kissed me by the river. And I’m not the same reckless guy who joined the Army. A marriage isn’t just about loving each other at the moment. It’s about forever. It’s about the ups and downs and learning and growing with the person you want by your side. It’s an investment. And a gamble. And I’ll tell you now, no matter what happens, I will always gamble on you.”
My breath evacuates my lungs. I don’t know what to say. I mean, what can you say to that? I settle on, “Wow,” and wonder if he’s scrambled my ability to make coherent conversation or if it’s the brain damage.
“What about you?” he asks.
I blink rapidly trying to reing in my thoughts. “What about me?”
“What will you do if you never get your memories back? If you decide you don’t want to stay here with us?”
“That’s the question, isn’t it? I have no idea. How can I decide on a future when I don’t even know myself?”
“Luckily, neither of us has to do too much deciding tonight. We can take it easy while you get adjusted.”
“You call that kiss from the other day taking it easy?” I say before I can think twice about it. I wonder if one of my post-accident symptoms is speaking without thinking because I can’t seem to control the words coming out of my mouth where he’s concerned.
I wasn’t going to mention the kiss at all. In fact, I gave myself a firm talking-to about it all weekend. But the words are out there now, and I can’t take them back.
“Considering what I want to do to you, yes.”
Oh my God, it is about fifteen degrees hotter than it was five seconds ago. I briefly consider fanning myself, but I stick my hands between my thighs instead. Before I do something stupid like reach for him.
He gives me a wicked smile. “Don’t worry, I won’t kiss you again until you ask me to. Besides, it’s getting late, and we should get some sleep. The monsters will be up early.”
Grateful I don’t have to answer him right away, I get to my feet and tell him good night. When I’m safely in my room, I press the chilled beer bottle I’m still holding to my burning face. I can see why I fell for him in the first place. He’s magnetic, and I’m drawn to him even though I know the smart thing would be to figure everything else out first. Getting tangled up with him would complicate everything for us both.
