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She trotted off, not giving him the chance to say anything else. She was happy they were going that far. She would need all the time she could to sort through her thoughts before she faced him again.
Chapter 16
Matthew watched her the entire trip to the pool. She was determined to go ahead of him and so he kept his pace behind, sensing that there was more to the distance she was so determined to keep between them. He held his tongue the entire way as well, allowing silence to hang over them for that hour.
When they arrived at the pool, he decided there was no longer any reason for them to stay quiet.
He waited to say what he wanted to, watching her instead as she padded over to the side
of the pool and dipped her feet in. She swung them around, letting little ripples run over the surface of the pool. He came to join her.
“Do ye want to tell me what’s been botherin’ ye now?” he asked her.
“Nay,” she said without hesitation. “I want to go back to the Castle and lie down in me bed.”
Matthew frowned at her. She did not sound snippy. She sounded genuine, almost wistful.
“Why?” he asked. “Ye always spend all yer time outdoors.”
“I ken.” She sighed. “It isnae easy sayin’ this, ye ken.”
“Does it have anythin’ to do with what happened last night?”
He held his breath as he stared at her, waiting for her to answer. She stared out in front of her, keeping her expression distant. He could not tell what it meant, he expected a yes or no to his question. If she were to tell him that she was being so distant because of how far they had taken things last night, he didn’t know what he would do.
“Aye,” she said, so softly that he prayed he heard wrong. “Last night we… took it a little farther than I thought we would.”
Matthew nodded, mostly to himself. He tried to absorb the information as best as he could, but it was difficult hearing such a thing when it was clear she was regretting it. He had been so confident that she wanted him as much as he did her. Even if she refused to say so, even if she made it clear that she still did not wish to marry, when they were wrapped up in each other’s arms like that, he was certain she wanted him. Perhaps… all this time it had been his own hubris, and that was what led to this.
“But, it isnae yer fault,” she said suddenly, drawing his attention. She leaned back on her hands, looking up at the clouds drifting above. “It’s me own indecisiveness that’s been plaguin’ me.”
“What do ye mean?”
She sighed. The sound was so filled with burden, Matthew’s heart broke a little. “I dinnae expect to like ye so much. Aye, ye’re nae as bad as I thought ye were, but even so, I dinnae think I would… feel the way that I do. Last night, it had felt so… natural. So easy.”
“And that scared ye.”
“Aye,” she breathed, as if she were finally letting go of that burdensome tidbit of truth. “It really terrified me.” She turned to face him, her brown eyes shining with uncertainty. “Do ye ken about me last two betroths?”
“Aye, I heard a bit,” he told her.
“Murdock was me first. I truly loved him. He was every bit the man I wanted. So sweet, and handsome, and kind. And he was playful enough for me likin’. I fell for him so hard and I was already imaginin’ me life with him.”
Matthew nodded along, ignoring the throes of jealousy that overcame him. He had known from the very start that Jonet had been betrothed twice before. It should not have bothered him this much.
She went on, oblivious to his rising feeling. “When he died… it broke me in more ways than one. I couldnae eat. Couldnae sleep. Couldnae do anythin’ without breakin’ down into a fit of tears. I mourned for almost two years before I finally started comin’ back to meself. And then, three years after his death, Henry came along.”
Matthew watched the sadness drift into her voice, the brokenness into her eyes. She was reliving those moments again, he could see it. The very ones that had shaped her views on marriage to this day. The ones that had brought about those terrible rumors.
“He was dashin’ in every sense of the word,” she told him. “He was very… determined to have me as his wife and I, well, I thought I had mourned enough. Though I dinnae think I would ever get over Murdock’s death, I kent it was in me best interest to court him. For the future of the Lairdship and for me heart. I dinnae love him the way I loved Murdock, but he was kind and handsome and he treated me so well that I kent I would be happy. And then, he died. Disappeared while huntin’ they say, but I kent what it meant.”
Her eyes filled with tears. Matthew longed to reach out, to gather her in his arms, but he knew she had to get everything out first.
“After that, I promised meself I would never marry again. Even before I knew of the rumors, I thought I was cursed. Murdock had died in his sleep, a perfectly healthy man. And Henry, a man who had been huntin’ since he was a wee child, disappeared so suddenly right after bein’ betrothed to me. I couldnae deny that I had somethin’ to do with it. Somehow, I kent that it was me fault and I couldnae let it happen to anyone else.”
“Jonet, none of that was yer—”
“I ken, I ken,” she spoke with insistence. “The sane part of me mind kens that it was truly a coincidence. But… I was afraid. The pain I’d been through over the past six years had been so terrible that I never wanted to feel like that again. So, I suppose I clung to the thought that I was cursed, because that way, I could save meself from any more pain. I could use it to chase away any suitors.”
