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“Please don’t.”
“Then you better start talking.”
This whole situation has repeated so many times in my head, new trails have been worn into my brain. Bone tired doesn’t touch the fatigue in my muscles or the weariness in my bones. Each day moves in a blur as I go with the motions.
I flip into robot mode and reiterate the last week with Gavin. The good and bad. Moments I never wanted to end and the minutes that have yet to end. My best friend listens without interruption. Nods and winces and pinches his brows at all the appropriate times. Then he turns introspective as he processes it all.
“First things first. I’m on the same page as you.” I scrunch my eyes. “Shit happens with condoms, but I wouldn’t believe anything without proof. Sucks to think like that, but there’s some crazy bitches in the world.”
“Thank you.” I take the first deep breath in days. “For days, I’ve felt like I was the asshole for being skeptical. Don’t know how else to explain it other than saying I just know.”
“Know what?” Shelly says as she steps into view and plops down on the lounger across from us.
Great. Obviously, we weren’t alone in Jonas and Autumn’s backyard. But I hoped Gavin and I would be able to finish this conversation without other ears or opinions in the mix. Looks like that isn’t happening.
“Nothing,” I mumble.
“Uh-uh.” Shelly wags her finger in the air. “You don’t get to be in some serious secret conversation with Gavin and not me. I’m your sister.”
“Shell…” I hang my head. The second I tell her everything, she will rip me a new asshole. Guaranteed.
“What did you do, Micah?” Irritation laces her tone.
I lift my head and lock on to her familiar irises as mine glass over. Saliva floods my mouth as a boulder expands in my throat. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Gavin slaps my back when I don’t say anything, then fills in the blanks for Shelly and the others lingering nearby.
“Told you not to hurt her.” Her words are a growl on her lips.
“Yeah, I remember. Not like I predict the future. And this… do you think I did this on purpose?”
“Of course not. But how did you not see this coming? You’ve probably banged over a hundred women in the last year. Did you expect nothing would happen except sex?” She crosses her arms over her chest and shakes her head. “If you say yes, you’re dumber than I thought.”
“Ouch, Shell. Tell me how you really feel.”
“Maybe you need a reality slap, big brother.”
“Well, consider me slapped. Punched is more like it, though. I know I fucked up. That’s nothing new.” I close my eyes, inhale deeply, then reopen them. “Now that we’ve discussed my shitty life, maybe you can help me fix it. Because…” I tip my head back and blink rapidly. Swallow, again and again. When I drop my eyes to meet Shelly’s, hers glaze over too. “I don’t know how. I fucked up and have been lost since.”
Shelly hops up and comes to sit beside me. Her hands take mine and squeeze painfully tight. “Sorry I yelled.” A tear rolls down her cheek, but she doesn’t wipe it away. “But I knew messing things up with Peyton would be bad. Not just for her, but you too. You flaunt a hard exterior, but I know you, big brother.”
Only around Shelly and close friends will I admit to being a softy. Not that there is anything wrong with not being a burly man twenty-four seven. That just isn’t me. Hell, majority of the population walk around with phony fronts. Always splashing the best of the best. Do I want a good life with nice things? Sure. Who doesn’t? But I don’t give anyone a false sense of who I am. Have I made shitty decisions since Rochelle fucked me over? Definitely. Any self-respecting person would have lost their shit the same as me. Not everyone would fuck their feelings away, though.
“Shell, tell me what to do. She won’t talk to me. She doesn’t answer my texts. I’m trying to give her space. But if I give too much, will she walk away?”
I don’t mean for Shelly to answer the last part, but she will. It’s in her nature. In both of ours.
“Hate to say it, big brother, but you need to give her time.” I drop my head in my hands and groan. Her hand finds my back and rubs the length of my spine. “In this instance, time sucks. But she needs to be able to form her own thoughts without you interfering. If you give it time, I’m sure she’ll speak up sooner rather than later.”
“This fucking sucks,” I grumble against my palms.
“Yes, it does. What about this other woman?”
I straighten my spine, meet Shelly’s gaze, and shake my head. “Told her to leave and not return without proof.”
“How would she prove it’s yours without DNA?”
“I meant that she’s actually pregnant and can take a paternity test with me present.” I close my eyes for three breaths. “Shell, I know my life has been out of control. That I have made such horrible choices. But I would never put myself in a situation like this. I have no plans to father children. At least not without being committed to someone and we both decide we want that.”
She leans back and looks to the sky in deep thought. Her particular brand of silence is one I can handle because I know she’s mulling over ideas.
Please let her have some solution to this.
Fatherhood may not be something I have given much thought, but if a paternity test proves—without a doubt—this woman is carrying my child, I will step up. I may not be ready to parent, but it doesn’t mean I won’t do my part. You do the deed, you take responsibility. Period.
“I have no absolute answers for you,” she says with a pout, pushing out her lower lip. “But I’d suggest you quit fucking around, try not to worry over it until you have to, and just have patience.” My eyes shut as I drop my head back to rest on the lounger. “Sorry, big brother. Not much else you can do at this point.”
“Thanks, Shell,” I whisper into the night.
She means well, I know this. But, fuck. I hoped she would say something—anything—that would lift me up. That would flip on the light bulb in my brain because I can’t quite reach the cord. Her advice is solid. Just not what I want to hear.
What I really want is to text Peyton. To grovel and beg for her to talk to me. For her to tell me she needs time to herself, but she will be there in the end. Just some words to let me know all is not lost.
Because right now, all I feel is lost. I have never felt so alone and in the dark as I do now. Like I have no way out. Like each breath may be my last.
And I have no one to blame except myself.
