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If there were a biggest-idiot-in-the-world award, my brother would win it. “Please don’t say I’m like you.” I worked on screwing the back of the crib into one of the sides. “She doesn’t trust me,” I admitted. “She thinks I’m using him because of the shop and—”
“Fuck her, then. You would never do that.”
No, I wouldn’t. “I don’t even know if she really believes that or if it’s just because she’s worried about Milo and it’s an excuse she can grab on to. Seeing him with someone is new for her, and she’s his mom; she wants to protect him. I get that, but…” I rubbed a hand over my face, wondered if I was really going to admit this or not. “I think I’m in love with him.”
“You should probably just reword that and say what you really mean—you’re in love with him; there’s no think about it.” No, no there wasn’t. “The two of you are good together. I didn’t totally get it until the night of the bookstore opening, and then it was slammed home at Mom and Dad’s. You fit well, and like I said, I really am happy for you.”
I didn’t look at Orlando, just kept working on the crib for my nephew. “I feel like I fit with him…and I’ve never had that, even with Kris. I love him. He’s my best friend, and I know he loves me, but I don’t fit with him, if that makes sense. I’ve always sort of felt like an outsider.”
The room was quiet for a moment, so long that the silence sat heavy on my chest. When I forced myself to look up, Orlando was watching me. “With me?”
“With everyone.” I shrugged. “It’s not your fault. I think people spend too much time looking for the why in everything, and sometimes we’re just built differently; this is how I’m built.” I couldn’t believe I was saying this to him, didn’t think I would have if it wasn’t for Milo. He didn’t realize how much he’d changed me. He was so open, so honest and real. I loved that about Milo and strived to be more like him.
“Jesus, Gid. Why didn’t you ever say anything? You’re my favorite fucking person in this world. You might be younger than me, but I’ve always looked up to you. You’re completely who you are and don’t let anyone influence that. You never felt the need to be just like Dad, to follow those footsteps that have been mapped out for you.”
“And you did?”
“Yes and no. I love my life. I love practicing law. Most days, I feel like this is exactly what I’m supposed to do and who I’m supposed to be, but there were times I’ve wondered if there could have been something else out there for me. If I’d ever allowed myself to consider other options—not when it comes to Heather, of course. But just…staying on the island, law school, following the exact same path Mom and Dad did.”
“Dad loves you more because of it.”
“No, he doesn’t. Dad loves us differently…and Dad and I have more in common and talk more because of it. He loves you for who you are, Gid. He respects the hell out of you. I don’t think you see yourself as clearly as the rest of us do.”
Maybe I didn’t, but did anyone?
“He talks about how proud of you he is all the time. When he brings up the shop or money, it’s not because he’s disappointed, but because he wants the best for you.”
“Maybe he should tell me all that.”
“Probably, but you could talk to him too.”
He was right. I didn’t try any more than Dad did. I’d just decided how he felt and accepted it. “Maybe I will.”
“Maybe I will,” Orlando teasingly mocked before tugging me into a hug. “I love you, little bro. I hope you know that.”
“I love you too. Now get off me; you stink.” Playfully, I tried to pull back, but he tightened his hold until I managed to get him off. We laughed and got some more work done on the nursery.
I thought about how excited Milo had been to come home last night and tell me about his conversation with Gene—how he’d asked Gene if he could call him grandpa—and I knew it was his strength that had made me talk to Orlando today.
We were finishing up on the changing table when Orlando said, “Next Friday, for my birthday, we’re having a guys’ night at the Lighthouse. This’ll probably be one of the last times I do something like that since Jacob will be here soon. Kris is coming, Dad too, some of my other friends, and a few guys I work with. I’m going to get falling-down drunk, just so you know. I’m going to party like it’s college one last time before I’m a mature, responsible dad. Do you think Milo will be able to come with you? I want him to feel welcome, but I don’t want to pressure him either.”
