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Agreeing not to kiss me again? Where does she get the damn nerve? That quick concession had the opposite effect. Even though I wanted the argument, her compliance made me want to push her boundaries until she started to fight back, until she was adamantly against what I wanted to do with her, do to her.
Like I do every other time I’ve been unable to figure out my life, I pull out my phone and call my dad.
“Hey there, son,” he says when he answers. “How’s my sweet girl?”
“Better,” I answer.
I’ve spoken with him every day, giving him quick updates on Aria, and managing to avoid conversations about Ali helping with her. I didn’t want to answer questions about the woman should they spring up, although it’s more likely for Mom to ask such things, rather than my dad.
“So she should be ready to go back to daycare soon.”
“Not just yet,” I say, wondering if it’s because I want Aria functioning at a hundred percent or if I’m wanting to keep Ali to myself. “Maybe in a few days.”
“I imagine you can’t get much done at home with the baby full time.”
His comment makes me realize I haven’t mentioned Ali at all, and despite this being the opening I need to have that conversation, I keep my mouth closed, wondering if it’s the guilt from kissing her that’s keeping me quiet.
My thoughts since nearly the first time I saw the woman have caused me grief, and it says a lot that I’m still planning to ignore the subject for as long as possible.
“I’m managing,” I say instead.
“Maybe we should come for a visit,” he offers, and that causes real terror inside of me.
Having my parents at my house wouldn’t work. One, there isn’t any room for them since Ali’s in the guest bedroom, and two, I’d never be able to mask the way I’m feeling with both of them keeping a close eye on my well-being.
My phone beeps with an incoming call, and I notice Kincaid’s name on the screen when I pull it from my ear.
“I gotta go, Dad. Kincaid’s calling.”
“Talk soon, son.”
“Hello,” I say when I switch calls.
“Calling to check on you,” my boss says.
“I’m here.” I’m literally in the same spot I spend most of my days—at a quiet pocket park on the lake. Technically, I’m trespassing, but the old couple who lives in the house behind me leave the heat of New Mexico in the summer for cooler climates up north according to Dominic who lives a few houses down.
“At the clubhouse?”
“No,” I sigh. “I just mean I’m around.”
He chuckles. “I guess I should confess that I’m checking on you for more than one reason.”
I stay silent, thinking there’s no way that he knows about the kiss that quickly. I’d never tell a soul, and I doubt Ali is the type to gossip. It’s simply my guilt making me think I’ve been found out.
“What’s up?” I ask, my eyes locking on a duck gliding across the lake.
“We have a job coming up, and I was checking to see if you think you’re ready.”
I have no idea how to answer that question. I hate the idea of leaving Aria, of spending any time away from her, but at the same time, I’m desperate to put some distance between Ali and me.
“I’m ready,” I decide as the words leave my mouth.
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.” I say it with conviction.
“I need to warn you that things are going to look a little different for you.”
Worry sinks in my gut because it sounds like he doesn’t believe me.
“I know how to do my job,” I say, barely able to leave the growl from my voice.
“I don’t mean it that way. If you say you’re ready, then I believe you are.” There’s a long pause, and I refuse to fill it. “I mean, we’re going to have to consider putting you in less risky situations. I know you guys take a risk every time you go out on a job, but after losing Lana, I think it’s best for you to stay on the safer side of things.”
I understand what he’s leaving unsaid. If I die on one of our jobs, Aria will no longer have a living parent. She’d have my mom and dad, but that’s not the same.
I hadn’t even considered the ramifications of that. I trust the guys fully to have my back, but I know that even though we’re a well-oiled machine, there’s still a great risk in what we do.
“Are you wanting me to quit completely?” I ask, because if he’s going to sideline me and give me shit to do that I’m going to hate, then there’s no point in sticking around. I may not be able to stomach going back to Texas just yet, but I sure as hell don’t have to stay in New Mexico. Maybe going north for the cooler weather would be better.
