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“Touch my wife again, and the next bullet will be between your eyes.” I turn to see the hall full of people. Every member of our organization bears witness to their boss slain at the hand of his own.
And like loyal soldiers they are, they step aside, silently welcoming me into my new role. No longer the Underboss, and not a soul here is prepared to challenge that.
With my gun still in my hand, I pull a frantic Siân close to me and definitely lead her past the crowd.
27
SIN
The only thing keeping me on my feet is Christian. He leads me to his room rather than to the practically empty cell I've been locked in all this time. I'm glad I have him to steer me around because otherwise, I'm not sure what would happen. I can't wrap my head around anything I witnessed tonight.
It's all starting to catch up with me. The pressure in my head builds with every step I take. Images overlap memories of what I saw earlier. What I felt. Enzo overpowered me in the bathroom. I was already in such a terrible place before he ever entered the room. It was already carrying the weight of marriage. Being trapped. Knowing this is my life and wondering how I'm supposed to live every day for the rest of it as a Russo. Horrified at myself for ordering a hit. A murder.
Fear for my life. Fear for Christian’s life. The pain, the uncertainty of being Enzo’s captive. That’s the closest I’ve ever come to death. Closer than the night, Christian decided not to murder me along with my parents. Closer than the doctor, the hotel, all of it. Within moments, if I hadn’t said the right thing at the right time. What if I messed up?
All of it. It's all happening too fast, too much at once. And the cherry on top: witnessing yet another man lose his life. Even if it was only Samuele, and even if he deserved it, I still watched another man's life get extinguished tonight.
Nobody could take this and feel anything but horror.
Nobody but the man I'm married to. I cling to him while stumbling into the bedroom, afraid I'll hit the floor otherwise. “You're safe now. It's all over,” he reminds me in a quiet voice.
“Is it?” I ask.
“Do you still doubt me?” He sits me down on the chest at the foot of the bed, and I understand why. I wouldn't want to sit on the bed in this dirty dress, a dress that was so beautiful when I first put it on. Now it's grimy, caked in dust, the train filthy with old grease from the factory floor.
I shake my head. “No. I mean, how do you know? What if something happens tomorrow? Or next week? Will we ever really know for sure we're safe?”
“So long as you have me, you don't need to worry.”
Right. But I also watched with my heart in my throat as he and his twin brother locked in a faceoff. His life hung by a thread, and I had to sit and witness it.
“I thought I could handle this.” I'm not talking to Christian. I don't know who I'm talking to. The air around us? The dresser across from me? My dead father? Am I losing my mind?
“Thought you could handle what?” Christian rubs my hands briskly like he's trying to warm me up. But I'm not cold. No, I feel hot and flushed inside. Like there's a fire burning in my belly. The dress is too tight, and I'm sweating again. I'm losing it. This is where I finally break for good.
My lips move for a while, no sound coming out. Finally, I find my voice. “I thought I could be strong. I thought I could live with myself, telling you to kill him. But that's not who I am. I can't become a monster to fit into this life. That's not me, and I don't want it to be. I want to still be able to feel things.”
“There's no reason you can't.”
“If it means feeling like this? Right now?” Even to my ears, my laughter is sharp and unsettling. “Now I see why you disassociate. I couldn't do the things you do and live with myself. I don't even know if I can live with myself now.”
“You can. You did nothing wrong.”
“I told you to kill somebody.”
“To protect yourself. And as an act of vengeance. Don't get yourself so hung up on words and meanings. What you did, you felt you had to do.”
“But who does it make me?”
“Siân. Only Siân.” She reaches for me, ready to touch my face, but I flinch before he can make contact. His eyes darken, and I know I've hurt him, but I couldn't help it.
I only thought I could handle this. I was so wrong.
